Weakling

I am weak-willed. I am weak before temptations and I am weak before God. I say I am this one thing that I would love to be, this imaginary person that I have not yet become because of my weakness. I’m supposed to be this old soul that doesn’t do anything bad  but then I turn around and do all these bad things. I say: Oh, I don’t smoke or drink at all (that is ideally what I would love to achieve in this life) but then I go and smoke or have a drink and then I am ashamed of myself because I didn’t live up to what I said I was. Time and time again I try and teach myself all these things like patience and self-control, but the more I try the more I fail.

Countless books have been read on all types of philosophies and spiritual practices and it hasn’t helped me at all. I find myself failing at everything I try to do with myself, my spirit. I pick up meditation and try to incorporate some spiritual practices in my life and my emotional state gets worse, after I meditate I find myself being more irritated and snap more easily as opposed to when I do not meditate.

All these mandalas and mantras and meditations attract me so much, like a beautifully wrapped candy bar but then I realize that I’m just a mere human being with a lot of weaknesses and it is impossible for me to just be this perfect human being.

It is painfully hard when you live your life solely because of someone else, and do things because of someone else. I stopped smoking because I thought my parents would be proud of me, I bought expensive clothes because I wanted the approval of my brother, I put unrealistic standards on myself that I couldn’t keep up with.

Moral of the story is, if you are not doing something because of you and you do it for someone else, you are ultimately setting yourself up for failure. You have to have this strong will to do something for you and only you, not thinking about how it would impact others or what others would think.

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Bipolar ad Spiritual practices

I was pondering on one thing today.

Is it possible for a person to indulge in spiritual practices with severe mental disorders?

Is it possible to rewire a damaged, anxious and depressed brain that didn’t know any better for 25 years? I just wonder…Can you make your life a bit more bearable other than taking copious amounts of medication?

I’m very into Buddhism and try to practice it to the best of my abilities, but I recently heard news about a Buddhist (Michael Stone) committing suicide.

Really goes to show you how powerful the disease really is. It has no mercy, it doesn’t care if you’re Christian, Hindu or Buddhist, it gets a hold of you anyway. So I wonder, can you tackle this disease at all?

Is it a waste of time or should you keep going? Can you teach yourself to be compassionate again? Can you return to the state when you were as a little child and conjure up the compassionate and loving self? Can you teach yourself to let go easily? What does it take and how long?

I know how easy it is to obsess over things, it’s very common for people with mental illness to be very religious. I have a friend who has schizophrenia and she is very religious and believes in Jesus with all her heart, prays relentlessly, it’s very common for people with schizophrenia to do so, she even believes meditating to be evil. So again I wonder, where is the line of practicing things in a healthy way rather than obsessing over religion and spirituality when you have a mental health problem?

Although I think spiritual practices are not the ultimate cure, it’s definetly a great way to manage your disease, but only when it’s not overdone, if it is it can be damaging.

I think taking bits and pieces of spiritual practices can be very beneficial when it is done adequately.

Eventhough I am not a fan of riligions such as Christinanity but I still believe that praying is a good thing, it promotes stillness and being still is what we all need.

‘To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.’