I am weak-willed. I am weak before temptations and I am weak before God. I say I am this one thing that I would love to be, this imaginary person that I have not yet become because of my weakness. I’m supposed to be this old soul that doesn’t do anything bad but then I turn around and do all these bad things. I say: Oh, I don’t smoke or drink at all (that is ideally what I would love to achieve in this life) but then I go and smoke or have a drink and then I am ashamed of myself because I didn’t live up to what I said I was. Time and time again I try and teach myself all these things like patience and self-control, but the more I try the more I fail.
Countless books have been read on all types of philosophies and spiritual practices and it hasn’t helped me at all. I find myself failing at everything I try to do with myself, my spirit. I pick up meditation and try to incorporate some spiritual practices in my life and my emotional state gets worse, after I meditate I find myself being more irritated and snap more easily as opposed to when I do not meditate.
All these mandalas and mantras and meditations attract me so much, like a beautifully wrapped candy bar but then I realize that I’m just a mere human being with a lot of weaknesses and it is impossible for me to just be this perfect human being.
It is painfully hard when you live your life solely because of someone else, and do things because of someone else. I stopped smoking because I thought my parents would be proud of me, I bought expensive clothes because I wanted the approval of my brother, I put unrealistic standards on myself that I couldn’t keep up with.
Moral of the story is, if you are not doing something because of you and you do it for someone else, you are ultimately setting yourself up for failure. You have to have this strong will to do something for you and only you, not thinking about how it would impact others or what others would think.