Can’t even cry

I got my three days off work. I thought this is going to be a great time to just cry my eyes out, scream and roll around in tears on the floor. No, I could only manage about 10 minutes of crying and that wasn’t enough for me to get all of it out. How am I supposed to mourn a relationship when I can’t even shed a few tears?

The drugs I’m taking are so strong that they prevent me from even having a good cry when I need it, when the circumstances are such…Two-year relationship ended and I can’t even cry…What is the meaning of this?

So, I’m just waddling around the house hazy, frazzled and disoriented, constantly sucking on my e-cig for some type of comfort.

My phone is now always silent, which perpetuates the haunting feeling of loneliness. I can’t believe I’m alone again, is this feeling enough for me to break and go back to her? I feel like nobody even cares enough, all people can say is to just get over it, don’t cry about it, etc. How are you not supposed to cry about someone you shared two years of your life with? Yes, there were a lot of bad times but there were also good times.

The thought about starting all over again is daunting. Meeting new people some time again, trying to get to know them, all that shebang. I really don’t feel like it anymore, I feel like it’s easier to be alone nowadays, there are less and less adequate people to meet, everything is so different now than it was before. She was the only one that could deal with my mental breakdowns and just me in general, I don’t think I will be able to find someone else like that.

If I can’t be with that person, I’m not going to try and be with anyone else. I live alone and I die alone.

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Love isn’t enough

Sometimes…Love isn’t enough to keep a relationship alive. Simply loving each other won’t work, it takes very hard work and two people need to be present and do their best to be better. If one person is doing all the work, trying to be a better person for the sake of the other, pushes the other to do better but they don’t listen, then I’m sorry…

My last relationship lasted for one year and nine months. We broke up yesterday. It was very messy. After all the texts and phone calls I left my work place in tears and hysterics. I cried on the grass near where I work and couldn’t bring myself to go home.

It didn’t last because there is no future with this person. If you don’t see a future with someone or there is not a lot of good prospects, you need to think if the person is right for you. Put yourself first. After almost two years, I got tired of pushing and pushing and hoping for something to happen, but it didn’t, and it never will, hope dies. Sometimes two people are good, but that doesn’t mean they are good together.

Just waiting for this to pass faster so I can move on with my life and be happy on my own. I’m so terrified of loneliness, it is going to be very hard, but I have my family and I hope that will be an enough reason for me to keep on going, it hurts, but life moves on, you still have to got to work, talk, socialize, etc. Life doesn’t wait or stop for the heartbroken.

Today

Today,
I have become what I hate.
The monster gripping around my neck
and shoving me around.
I have become what had despised,
now I am the one,
pushing others to the ground.
Never thought and never knew,
this is what I would come to,
ashamed and guilty to the core.
Ashamed and guity every minute,
I never wanted to admit it,
but now,
I am what I had been afraid of.