Scars

Every time I look into the mirror,

All my scars light up on fire…

Especially the big one that goes down my spine.

I hate it. But it’s mine.

And the small ones go up like little fireflies…

A representation of an operation when I was four,

and a picture of self-hatred back when I was nine.

All my scars and scratches a long string of unsolved little crimes…

A failed attempt when I was eighteen,

A fragile self-esteem,

a face drowned in tears and faint ‘please, love me.’

They never did…

And each scar in the place of millions of words,

doubts and uncertainty.

A ‘hold me’, but instead I’ll bleed.

And each day they serve as a reminder of I once healed.

And I’ll heal again.

With imaginary love and drug-induced zen.

And even if the pain comes back ten times ten,

I’ll remember to way back when.

This life is a prison, I’m just waiting to die,

for a crime against myself, a 25 to life.

 

 

 

 

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Hello, Pain!

Hello, Pain! Long time no see…

After all these months I thought you forgot about me…

In my chest there’s a hollow, you’re nowhere in sight,

I’ve gotten used to you first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

I see you’ve found your way back, you’re alive and well in me,

We’ve been through so much since I was thirteen…

You’re there when I cry and you’re there when I smile,

You sometimes leave, but you only leave for a while,

Nothing more than a matter of time.

I see you’ve missed me, and I’ve missed you, too,

Come sit at the table, I made dinner for two…

I know you pray on the weak and I’m perfect for you.

Why did you come back? What’s the reason behind it?

Did you catch me slipping or was there a reason provided?

Anyway, it doesn’t matter, just don’t ever leave,

because without you I’m not me and I forget how to breathe,

Just be next to me, sit by my bed,

and tell me the tales in which I am dead.

 

Can’t even cry

I got my three days off work. I thought this is going to be a great time to just cry my eyes out, scream and roll around in tears on the floor. No, I could only manage about 10 minutes of crying and that wasn’t enough for me to get all of it out. How am I supposed to mourn a relationship when I can’t even shed a few tears?

The drugs I’m taking are so strong that they prevent me from even having a good cry when I need it, when the circumstances are such…Two-year relationship ended and I can’t even cry…What is the meaning of this?

So, I’m just waddling around the house hazy, frazzled and disoriented, constantly sucking on my e-cig for some type of comfort.

My phone is now always silent, which perpetuates the haunting feeling of loneliness. I can’t believe I’m alone again, is this feeling enough for me to break and go back to her? I feel like nobody even cares enough, all people can say is to just get over it, don’t cry about it, etc. How are you not supposed to cry about someone you shared two years of your life with? Yes, there were a lot of bad times but there were also good times.

The thought about starting all over again is daunting. Meeting new people some time again, trying to get to know them, all that shebang. I really don’t feel like it anymore, I feel like it’s easier to be alone nowadays, there are less and less adequate people to meet, everything is so different now than it was before. She was the only one that could deal with my mental breakdowns and just me in general, I don’t think I will be able to find someone else like that.

If I can’t be with that person, I’m not going to try and be with anyone else. I live alone and I die alone.

salt and lime

Every word…

Every single syllable and action out of line,

burns my flesh to the bone.

The slightest friction in your tone,

like skin ripped off and sprinkled with salt and lime.

Every word of what you say,

makes my insides tremble and shake with dismay.

My flesh is raw, like I’m skinned alive,

every gaze thrown wrongfully my way,

cuts my skin open like a razor blade.

everything moves me in ways you don’t know,

so in peace I heal and in silence I grow.

 

 

Camatose

Yet again,
these pits of hell,
grip me tightly ’round my neck,
it’s a love song, it’s a spell,
feel this pain spread in my chest.
I slip into my comatose,
heavy, medicated sleep,
a thousand needles, head to toe,
as the night grows dark and deep.
There’s no escape and no salvation
from this illness I possess,
It’s a cage and I’m a beast,
held in captive and possessed.

Deaths sweet, soothing lullaby

While it’s quiet,
and spirits dance around me while I cry,
I hear so often in the night,
Death’s sweet, soothing lullaby.

It sings about the knot,
and the rope you use to tie it,
it sings about the freedom,
it knows that you are tired.

It sings about the buildings,
ones that stand up tall,
about the flight that comes with them,
about the moment when it ends it all.

I hear it’s silky undertone,
It’s begging me to try,
I’m in no two minds,
this was the last time I heard,
death’s sweet, soothing lullaby.

Want to play? 

Every day is a pretend,

I’m alright, I feel okay. 

Life’s a game, you want to play? 

Buckle up, make sure you’re safe. 

Hide the true, don’t let them know,

Everything’s about control.

If you lose it, it’s time to go. 

Start from scratch, the process – slow.

Pick a mask, pick out your gown,

No one wants to see you frown.

Make sure everything’s in place,

Check your savings, walk with grace, 

Organise all things you own,

Just pretend you’re in control. 

When all else just falls apart,

You’ve got that just to hold on. 

Look like you are not in pain,

Even when you trip again,

Nothing matters, nothing hurts,

After all, it’s just a game. 

All You Never Wanted

I am your doom.

I am your whole universe and nothing at all.

I am your shadow in the new moon.

Your abyss of darkness and your lighthouse standing tall.

Priceless treasure and a piece of trash left to decay,

Give you my last shirt then take it away.

Your reflection when it’s all you have left,

A murky silhouette in the broken glass.

I’ll give you all you never wanted.

Take your dreams and destroy them as quickly as they came.

I’ll burn all the scriptures written by you and I,

Rewrite all the chapters of our lives.

I’ll watch your eyes fill up with regret when you try and remember,

How you met me last September.

 

Home

I wrote this poem about two homes. One represents the good times in life and the other the opposite. The other is where I end up in the end.

I’m coming home,

It’s been a while,

White picket fences didn’t last.

I’m all alone,

Will take some time,

To make this pain a thing of past.

 

From chirping birds to screaming ravens,

From grass green to a garden empty,

From a safe space, a peaceful haven,

To screeching silence, fear, unsafety.

 

I’m at the doorstep, please let me in,

I guess I missed this solemn home,

I will forget where I have been,

And promise this to call my own