It seems to me that when you are at your lowest, it is when God decides to show himself to you. When you are clawing for just a tiny fraction of relief, God appears to you in all his glory. He reaches out to you and breathes life into you.

At my lowest points in life, in the bouts of crippling depression, it is then when I found God. It may sound like psychotic babble, but it is true when I say that when I think there is absolutely no way of getting better and the loneliness is just too much for me to bear, I start stumbling upon, for example, songs that talk about God and then I remember that he is there and I’m not as alone as I thought I was. It just shows that you don’t have to be always looking for him and waiting, he finds you first, he knows it when you need him.

Now, I’m very apprehensive about talking about God for a couple of reasons:

  1. I have a mental disorder and people can just assume I’m being rediculous or having an episode, after all there is such a thing as ‘religious psychosis’
  2. In this day and age it just seems like almost everyone has turned themselves away from God and don’t believe in such things, which is quite frankly, very sad, we live in an era of atheism and many condemn Christianity (especially leftists and liberals)

I don’t consider myself religious or a Christian even, because I haven’t really referred to the Bible many times, so I’m not very knowlegeable, but all I know is that I have faith and that faith is enough to keep me going.

I know that no matter what you feel and how you feel, he is always there for you with open arms to help you through all your challenges. The Lord shall set free you.

Psalm 34:18-19 - Bible Verse on Healing




If someone ever told me a couple of years ago that I’d be living like this, I would never believe them.

It feels like I’m in a state of depression that never ends. Every day is the same feelings of despair and hopelessness. I take my medicine every day but it just doesn’t do anything to ease the pain.

Even a couple of years ago, while I was studying and life didn’t hit me so hard yet, I wanted to do things, I was interested in so many things, I used to work out, look after myself, play the guitar, write poetry and much more. Now, I don’t do anything at all, even poetry, which was so easy for me doesn’t come so easy anymore. I’ve lost completely all interest in anything I used to do. I have no friends and just stay at home when I don’t have to go to work. I spend my days hating life and wishing to not be here anymore. I always thought I’d be someone but I work a low paying job even though I have a bachelors degree, barely have any money and no will to live.

I wish I had my life back, instead, it’s in the grips of depression and a miserable life.

I wish the new year would start without me in it…


One Pill

One pill, two pills, three pills, four,

This mask with the grin doesn’t work like before,

it has cracks and dents and it’s falling apart,

to fake that I’m happy was my most adamant art.

Without it, I’m a mere shell that can’t smile,

only grits its’ teeth and goes on for a while,

on autopilot heading for destruction,

causing fires, chaos, destruction.

One pill, two pills, three pills, four,

To keep up appearances – I swallow them whole,

Get up, show my teeth and put on a show,

Getting pulled back and dismantled – no more.





I have become what I hate.
The monster gripping around my neck
and shoving me around.
I have become what had despised,
now I am the one,
pushing others to the ground.
Never thought and never knew,
this is what I would come to,
ashamed and guilty to the core.
Ashamed and guity every minute,
I never wanted to admit it,
but now,
I am what I had been afraid of.


Sitting here in tears while my mom is asleep in the other room. Just crying because I don’t know where to go from here anymore.

Seems like my life is on the rocks. I have no job and barely any money. I’m back to square one, looking for a low paying job with a bachelors degree. This is my life, it is nothing. I am nothing. I’m almost 25 and achieved absolutely fucking zero.  All has almost fallen apart.

After all, I don’t think I’d wish this kind of life of mental torture on anyone I hate. A life that is complete zero. A waste. That is going nowhere.

All I feel is shame that I just couldn’t fulfill my dreams and achieve anything.

I hate how unfair everything is. Someone gets 5 million a month and someone like me is sitting on an old bench in some shithole without a penny and can’t get a job with higher education. How fair is the world?


Lonely Trip

A clutch, a clench, a grip,
to a zip.
A scarce apprehension of what it was made of,
I knew it was about to be a lonely trip.

A train ride full of frowns of other guests,
they are on it for the same trip,
they clutch, they clench, they grip,
to a zip.

Eyes empty and a stiff upper lip,
keep all to yourself, don’t let a sound slip,
soon we will all be there, all going the same way,
see the children and the others look down as they pray.

It’s only getting faster, it’s picking up speed,
The murmurs getting louder as they look up to God,
We’re all in it too deep.
A crash and it’s over, no one made it alive,
we were all in it, but it was a short, lonely ride.