Scars

Every time I look into the mirror,

All my scars light up on fire…

Especially the big one that goes down my spine.

I hate it. But it’s mine.

And the small ones go up like little fireflies…

A representation of an operation when I was four,

and a picture of self-hatred back when I was nine.

All my scars and scratches a long string of unsolved little crimes…

A failed attempt when I was eighteen,

A fragile self-esteem,

a face drowned in tears and faint ‘please, love me.’

They never did…

And each scar in the place of millions of words,

doubts and uncertainty.

A ‘hold me’, but instead I’ll bleed.

And each day they serve as a reminder of I once healed.

And I’ll heal again.

With imaginary love and drug-induced zen.

And even if the pain comes back ten times ten,

I’ll remember to way back when.

This life is a prison, I’m just waiting to die,

for a crime against myself, a 25 to life.

 

 

 

 

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To dad

I was your little girl,

but now we fell apart…

You never talk to me anymore,

and the things you said – I took to heart.

All the times they were wrong,

you were always on my side…

You hugged me close, told them off and kept me out the fire.

But now you’ve grown tired…

You’re solemn and quiet,

You act like I’m not there…

And every time I look at you,

you don’t even seem to care…

I’m not that little girl anymore,

and I’m not someone you hoped to see,

and I know you’re dissapointed,

you wanted something else for me.

I’m sorry,

Hope sometime again you’ll talk to me,

that little girl from nineteen ninety three…

 

 

 

Hello, Pain!

Hello, Pain! Long time no see…

After all these months I thought you forgot about me…

In my chest there’s a hollow, you’re nowhere in sight,

I’ve gotten used to you first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

I see you’ve found your way back, you’re alive and well in me,

We’ve been through so much since I was thirteen…

You’re there when I cry and you’re there when I smile,

You sometimes leave, but you only leave for a while,

Nothing more than a matter of time.

I see you’ve missed me, and I’ve missed you, too,

Come sit at the table, I made dinner for two…

I know you pray on the weak and I’m perfect for you.

Why did you come back? What’s the reason behind it?

Did you catch me slipping or was there a reason provided?

Anyway, it doesn’t matter, just don’t ever leave,

because without you I’m not me and I forget how to breathe,

Just be next to me, sit by my bed,

and tell me the tales in which I am dead.

 

Scary mental health update

Something weird started going on with me…Since I have been prescribed the medication I was supposedly doing okay-ish. I had some moments, but nothing I couldn’t deal with. I think the pills made it so that I could just get up, get though the day, do my work, smile and that’s it. I was noticing I was faking a lot, I could hold up a conversation, I could laugh but none of it was genuine. Inside I didn’t feel anything anymore, I felt dead inside. Completely hollow. I started feeling like I was keeping to myself more of what I was really feeling. Then I noticed that I was slipping into this slight depression that was always buzzing in the background but I was trying to ignore it because I am taking medication and it should be fine. More and more I started to lose any kind of interest in anything, nothing made me happy or feel anything anymore. Going out somewhere, working out, etc, none of it brought me any joy.

So, right before I’m supposed to go on holiday, I feel it coming on full force and I’m losing it. I lost it. Last thing I know, I’m yelling with a voice that doesn’t even seem human, hitting myself on the head with my fists, I’m crying, I’m screaming, I clawed my face until it bled and I woke up today to find out that I fractured my jaw. What the hell is this? I can’t get out of bed anymore, I can’t eat or brush my hair. What am I supposed to do? I have a job that I value and don’t want to lose and the same time I’m scared for my life because god knows what I could do to myself now, I need help but I can’t risk losing my job.

So, I got all these thoughts in my head that I’m ugly, worthless and that everyone would be better off without me, a sigh of relief they would have. I’m completely broken and the worst part is that my parents have to see this and deal with me and that makes me feel worse. I’m a 25-year-old woman, supposed to be happy and look at me, I’m destroyed.

 

The past shapes us

I always wonder why people who have suffered trauma or have mental illness turn to drugs and alcohol for escape. What is the appeal? I ask myself quite often.

Even though my life has been more or less stable these past few years, I still find myself struggling with thoughts and emotions I cannot control. Lately, I found myself drinking more than I should have. I was on a three-day alcohol binge which left me completely exhausted now, I’m still suffering the consequences, all because I can’t control my thoughts about what happened to me in the past.

Until these last few years, my life has been a complete shit show. I didn’t have any money, I was constantly fighting with family members, my mother was basically ill all the time and out of work because of it. I was a horrid mess, I was constantly depressed to the point where I couldn’t even take a shower, always angry and fighting with everyone, I was being bullied in school, eating disorders, self-harm, suicide attempts, in and out of mental hospitals. Later I got into an abusive relationship, which traumatized me deeply and I haven’t dealt with it until this day.

I’m always ruminating on the past, even though it is not there anymore, I still think about it. It causes great pain. So I drink, or take drugs not as prescribed to deal with the pain.

It’s important to recognize that the past is the past, we are living now, we should enjoy the now and stop thinking about what happened or what could happen.

Hope whoever is reading this has a great day, enjoy the now!

Loneliness

Loneliness,

Like a drop of wine on my lips,

Sour, yet intoxicating at the same time.

There is no God for me to go to,

So I sit still by the pain and hope to survive.

I die in pain, I die alone,

I have come from nowhere, and nowhere I go…

My orphaned spirit is left on the rocks,

If there is no one by my side, then let it be so…

 

I am one

We are together, but I am one,

Look at all the wreck I’ve done,

I’ve torn you apart, yet you come back,

I cut the ropes, you cut the slack.

We dance in unity and harmonize,

One day you’re loved, the next – despised.

With every step I try and make you see,

You love a monster, who is me.

I eat you whole, then spit you out,

You never know what I’m about.

We are together, yet I am one,

The madness has only just begun,

We have a life time to be brave,

and dance our way into the grave.

The importance of the right medication|Mental health log

After ten years of utmost suffering, trials and tribulations, I can finally say that I’m the most stable I have ever been.

I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking, I stopped recklessly and impulsively spending my money, I stopped being crazy… After ten years a doctor finally took the time to actually think about how to help me, and he did…

I don’t want to sit here and promote medication, but if you are someone struggling with serious mental health issues, demand good treatment and good medication, because that really makes a change, the right medication can actually turn your whole life around, you will be a different person, and not in a bad way… I know there are people that don’t agree with taking medication, but I’d rather take medication than deal with my issues in an unhealthy way, like drinking, smoking and reckless behavior.

I have been in and out of doctors offices for more than a decade, and it takes so much time to actually find the right treatment, but eventually, I did.

Since I’m on the right medication, I’m calmer, more collected, I deal with issues in my daily life a bit differently, I have close to zero anxiety, I’m happier, I see life in different colors now. I have slip ups, there are days when I still don’t feel great, but it passes quicker and I bounce back almost immediately. I used to wake up with crippling anxiety and I would be so angry, I couldn’t manage my anger, I was the worst. Now, I can actually talk to people and have a conversation, which is fulfilling. I actually smile and mean it, I found out what true contentment is.

Life is simple, take care of yourself and the universe will also take care of you.


Current medication for bipolar disorder type II:

Fluoxetine

Gabapentin

Levomepromazine

Zopiclonum

God

It seems to me that when you are at your lowest, it is when God decides to show himself to you. When you are clawing for just a tiny fraction of relief, God appears to you in all his glory. He reaches out to you and breathes life into you.

At my lowest points in life, in the bouts of crippling depression, it is then when I found God. It may sound like psychotic babble, but it is true when I say that when I think there is absolutely no way of getting better and the loneliness is just too much for me to bear, I start stumbling upon, for example, songs that talk about God and then I remember that he is there and I’m not as alone as I thought I was. It just shows that you don’t have to be always looking for him and waiting, he finds you first, he knows it when you need him.

Now, I’m very apprehensive about talking about God for a couple of reasons:

  1. I have a mental disorder and people can just assume I’m being rediculous or having an episode, after all there is such a thing as ‘religious psychosis’
  2. In this day and age it just seems like almost everyone has turned themselves away from God and don’t believe in such things, which is quite frankly, very sad, we live in an era of atheism and many condemn Christianity (especially leftists and liberals)

I don’t consider myself religious or a Christian even, because I haven’t really referred to the Bible many times, so I’m not very knowlegeable, but all I know is that I have faith and that faith is enough to keep me going.

I know that no matter what you feel and how you feel, he is always there for you with open arms to help you through all your challenges. The Lord shall set free you.

Psalm 34:18-19 - Bible Verse on Healing

 

Gripped

If someone ever told me a couple of years ago that I’d be living like this, I would never believe them.

It feels like I’m in a state of depression that never ends. Every day is the same feelings of despair and hopelessness. I take my medicine every day but it just doesn’t do anything to ease the pain.

Even a couple of years ago, while I was studying and life didn’t hit me so hard yet, I wanted to do things, I was interested in so many things, I used to work out, look after myself, play the guitar, write poetry and much more. Now, I don’t do anything at all, even poetry, which was so easy for me doesn’t come so easy anymore. I’ve lost completely all interest in anything I used to do. I have no friends and just stay at home when I don’t have to go to work. I spend my days hating life and wishing to not be here anymore. I always thought I’d be someone but I work a low paying job even though I have a bachelors degree, barely have any money and no will to live.

I wish I had my life back, instead, it’s in the grips of depression and a miserable life.

I wish the new year would start without me in it…