Nothing

Sitting here in tears while my mom is asleep in the other room. Just crying because I don’t know where to go from here anymore.

Seems like my life is on the rocks. I have no job and barely any money. I’m back to square one, looking for a low paying job with a bachelors degree. This is my life, it is nothing. I am nothing. I’m almost 25 and achieved absolutely fucking zero.  All has almost fallen apart.

After all, I don’t think I’d wish this kind of life of mental torture on anyone I hate. A life that is complete zero. A waste. That is going nowhere.

All I feel is shame that I just couldn’t fulfill my dreams and achieve anything.

I hate how unfair everything is. Someone gets 5 million a month and someone like me is sitting on an old bench in some shithole without a penny and can’t get a job with higher education. How fair is the world?

 

Tense

Sometimes you get so tense and emotionally unstable that familiar scenes start to look foreign. The people that once brought you joy now seem unbearable, you’re completely detached from them. It seems that you’re living in your own little miserable bubble and others live in a completely different world.

You’ve become a hermit. Even a trip to the store makes you want to punch every single oblivious shopper in there. Feels like 1000 needles are piercing your skin every second of the day.

You try and laugh and be normal, you take your medication, your vitamins, you make jokes but you know that inside you’re rotting away and one day you just snap and you can’t do it anymore. You scream, you cry and do dumb things like harm yourself. You’re empty but you feel everything.

It eats you on the inside. Nothing you do is ever enough to make you feel better.

Gloomy Summer

Summer was never this gloomy
Shadows follow me around,
I’m on the path to find peace,
But I’m pushed off of that ground.

I was supposed to drown in lavish nature,
In murky waters of lakes and ponds,
Bask in the yellow, all-seeing eye,
But instead, to my haven, I abscond.

Closer to my shrines of Buddha, Jesus, Shiva,
To my false sense of belonging,
Gods I’ve never believed in.
I’m leaving…

This summer and all summers before,
Behind,
As well as all of mankind,
And this life that’s a chore,
I’m alive to the core,
But bloodless inside.

Why It’s Okay To Be Content With Your Life The Way It Is

Is it bad if one wants a simple, quiet life with no expectations, free from desire?

In this day and age, I feel like we are constantly bombarded with images of quote-unquote success. We are being pushed to always pursue something, always strive to be someone so great, someone memorable. It seems like you should always be in some kind of motion to ‘pursue your dreams and aspirations’. I feel like that is cancerous. Why can’t we just be still?

And I don’t want people to confuse this with being lazy and not wanting anything, it’s more about just being content with what you already have and work your way through life being aware of what you are really capable of, being realistic and working with what you have and not overwhelm yourself with unrealistic expectations. In my opinion, I think it’s better to live a more simple and structured life with less stress than to rip your butt doing something that is not necessarily meant for you. What I mean by that, is taking things into consideration, like your health, both physical and mental, your abilities as such and work from there.

It took me a very long time to realize and become content with the fact that not everyone in this life is going be someone great, a president, a CEO or well-known artist. I certainly am not because of many reasons. Health reasons, personal reasons, the socio-economic situation and prospects in where I live, etc.

It’s not about complying and living a miserable life, no. It’s about just being happy with what you already have going for you and working your way through life to the best of your abilities.

I don’t find anything wrong with wanting less in life and not building ‘air castles’ and knowing deep down that it’s something that is outside your realm of possibility. But you can always try…

Try, if you really want to then try and achieve all those great things you want, but it’s also okay to be content with what you already have.

 

Hollow

Every morning is greeted with hollow dents

in the walls of my room and my marrow.

The emptiness with which the day is attended is inexcusable,

yet let it be better tomorrow.

It will arrive just like the days that came before

and the furniture will still stand unmoved,

the pillow next to me will still remain an excess

and I will still be trapped in solitude.

Immobile, at moments the spirit dances away into space

and I watch it go,

It joins all the other souls lost and they combine in a promenade.

They do it with grace…

And I remain paralyzed in the moment with anxiety,

And the silence vindicates and spreads through the sphere,

Entirely.