Bored

So bored and out of it,
Staring at the stale, dry cracks in the wall,
A cockroach leans in for a kiss with the dirty dish.
It’s been a while…
Look at the nightfall,
I’ve been waiting to put this cigarette to my lips,
Inhale…
Make a wish.
Smoke caressing the lungs like a gun gently brushing against the temple,
It smells like death, if the smokes are going to kill me, let them.
It’s been too long,
Already twenty-five out of seventy,
and the thought of leaving this hell seems heavenly.
I have nothing to offer,
just my worn out shell.
Like a bride rejected and left at the altar.
If I go unnoticed, I won’t have to tell.
But for now, let the bones decay,
I’ll be here in the clouds of smoke,
Waiting so patiently,
when twenty-five becomes seventy,
and my life is erased from the first, to the last day.

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It’s time to stop

When you’re constantly being thrown in and out of depressive states with anxiety, you start to develop these really unhealthy habits.

You get so tired of trying things the healthy way, like not drinking coffee or smoking because it makes you more anxious, watching what you eat, etc. But when you realize that those tricks aren’t working, you start to become this, sort of, hedonistic creature. At least I do.

You’re so sick of the almost constant state of displeasure, that you start to begin to try and avoid it by any means possible. You kind of burst after trying all the time.

So a short while ago I got so tired of trying to quit smoking, quit coffee, eating less junk food, etc., I just said fuck it and started smoking like a chimney, drinking a bunch of coffee, eating bowls and bowls of pasta and junk and my mindset was and still is awful, it’s like, cut me some slack, will you? I’m struggling over here, let me do things that make me happy, even if it’s for a short while and even if they ruin my health. If you dare touch my coffee, food or cigarettes, that is where your life ends. 

Now I’m slowly watching the pounds creep back up on me because all I live off is pasta every day. Heaps of it. Because hell, I like it. Who cares, right?

I’m feeling my heart beating faster every day and my sleep getting progressively worse because of the coffee and cigarettes. But again, did I stop? No. Why? Because I simply started to cut me a bit too much slack.

And this type of mindset is not going to do anyone any good. Often times I’ll think, weeeeeell, I have this condition that is really uncomfortable, it brings me a lot of pain, so let me just make it a little bit easier for myself.

I won’t lie, going outside to have a cigarette brings me immense pleasure, so does drinking a nice, sweet cup of coffee and of course, the huge bowls of pasta and french fries make my problems go away for a bit.

But is it worth it? I think not, I think if you’re struggling the last thing you should do is let everything slide all the time and let yourself do whatever you want. In fact, you SHOULD be watching what you put into your body, you should be concerned about your health ten fold. Because your mind or your body is a lot more fragile than that of another person.

I know it is hard, we all want that relief, but it’s time…It’s time to stop!!! It’s time to stop self-loathing and making it worse for yourself.

I’ve tried to quit smoking about 15-20 times in my life, I failed, but I’ll be damned if I ever stop trying, I’ll die trying. Because in the end, it is that important.

Please take care of yourself.

 

Bipolar ad Spiritual practices

I was pondering on one thing today.

Is it possible for a person to indulge in spiritual practices with severe mental disorders?

Is it possible to rewire a damaged, anxious and depressed brain that didn’t know any better for 25 years? I just wonder…Can you make your life a bit more bearable other than taking copious amounts of medication?

I’m very into Buddhism and try to practice it to the best of my abilities, but I recently heard news about a Buddhist (Michael Stone) committing suicide.

Really goes to show you how powerful the disease really is. It has no mercy, it doesn’t care if you’re Christian, Hindu or Buddhist, it gets a hold of you anyway. So I wonder, can you tackle this disease at all?

Is it a waste of time or should you keep going? Can you teach yourself to be compassionate again? Can you return to the state when you were as a little child and conjure up the compassionate and loving self? Can you teach yourself to let go easily? What does it take and how long?

I know how easy it is to obsess over things, it’s very common for people with mental illness to be very religious. I have a friend who has schizophrenia and she is very religious and believes in Jesus with all her heart, prays relentlessly, it’s very common for people with schizophrenia to do so, she even believes meditating to be evil. So again I wonder, where is the line of practicing things in a healthy way rather than obsessing over religion and spirituality when you have a mental health problem?

Although I think spiritual practices are not the ultimate cure, it’s definetly a great way to manage your disease, but only when it’s not overdone, if it is it can be damaging.

I think taking bits and pieces of spiritual practices can be very beneficial when it is done adequately.

Eventhough I am not a fan of riligions such as Christinanity but I still believe that praying is a good thing, it promotes stillness and being still is what we all need.

‘To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.’

 

Nothing

Sitting here in tears while my mom is asleep in the other room. Just crying because I don’t know where to go from here anymore.

Seems like my life is on the rocks. I have no job and barely any money. I’m back to square one, looking for a low paying job with a bachelors degree. This is my life, it is nothing. I am nothing. I’m almost 25 and achieved absolutely fucking zero.  All has almost fallen apart.

After all, I don’t think I’d wish this kind of life of mental torture on anyone I hate. A life that is complete zero. A waste. That is going nowhere.

All I feel is shame that I just couldn’t fulfill my dreams and achieve anything.

I hate how unfair everything is. Someone gets 5 million a month and someone like me is sitting on an old bench in some shithole without a penny and can’t get a job with higher education. How fair is the world?

 

Tense

Sometimes you get so tense and emotionally unstable that familiar scenes start to look foreign. The people that once brought you joy now seem unbearable, you’re completely detached from them. It seems that you’re living in your own little miserable bubble and others live in a completely different world.

You’ve become a hermit. Even a trip to the store makes you want to punch every single oblivious shopper in there. Feels like 1000 needles are piercing your skin every second of the day.

You try and laugh and be normal, you take your medication, your vitamins, you make jokes but you know that inside you’re rotting away and one day you just snap and you can’t do it anymore. You scream, you cry and do dumb things like harm yourself. You’re empty but you feel everything.

It eats you on the inside. Nothing you do is ever enough to make you feel better.

Gloomy Summer

Summer was never this gloomy
Shadows follow me around,
I’m on the path to find peace,
But I’m pushed off of that ground.

I was supposed to drown in lavish nature,
In murky waters of lakes and ponds,
Bask in the yellow, all-seeing eye,
But instead, to my haven, I abscond.

Closer to my shrines of Buddha, Jesus, Shiva,
To my false sense of belonging,
Gods I’ve never believed in.
I’m leaving…

This summer and all summers before,
Behind,
As well as all of mankind,
And this life that’s a chore,
I’m alive to the core,
But bloodless inside.

Why It’s Okay To Be Content With Your Life The Way It Is

Is it bad if one wants a simple, quiet life with no expectations, free from desire?

In this day and age, I feel like we are constantly bombarded with images of quote-unquote success. We are being pushed to always pursue something, always strive to be someone so great, someone memorable. It seems like you should always be in some kind of motion to ‘pursue your dreams and aspirations’. I feel like that is cancerous. Why can’t we just be still?

And I don’t want people to confuse this with being lazy and not wanting anything, it’s more about just being content with what you already have and work your way through life being aware of what you are really capable of, being realistic and working with what you have and not overwhelm yourself with unrealistic expectations. In my opinion, I think it’s better to live a more simple and structured life with less stress than to rip your butt doing something that is not necessarily meant for you. What I mean by that, is taking things into consideration, like your health, both physical and mental, your abilities as such and work from there.

It took me a very long time to realize and become content with the fact that not everyone in this life is going be someone great, a president, a CEO or well-known artist. I certainly am not because of many reasons. Health reasons, personal reasons, the socio-economic situation and prospects in where I live, etc.

It’s not about complying and living a miserable life, no. It’s about just being happy with what you already have going for you and working your way through life to the best of your abilities.

I don’t find anything wrong with wanting less in life and not building ‘air castles’ and knowing deep down that it’s something that is outside your realm of possibility. But you can always try…

Try, if you really want to then try and achieve all those great things you want, but it’s also okay to be content with what you already have.

 

Hollow

Every morning is greeted with hollow dents

in the walls of my room and my marrow.

The emptiness with which the day is attended is inexcusable,

yet let it be better tomorrow.

It will arrive just like the days that came before

and the furniture will still stand unmoved,

the pillow next to me will still remain an excess

and I will still be trapped in solitude.

Immobile, at moments the spirit dances away into space

and I watch it go,

It joins all the other souls lost and they combine in a promenade.

They do it with grace…

And I remain paralyzed in the moment with anxiety,

And the silence vindicates and spreads through the sphere,

Entirely.