I always wonder why people who have suffered trauma or have mental illness turn to drugs and alcohol for escape. What is the appeal? I ask myself quite often.
Even though my life has been more or less stable these past few years, I still find myself struggling with thoughts and emotions I cannot control. Lately, I found myself drinking more than I should have. I was on a three-day alcohol binge which left me completely exhausted now, I’m still suffering the consequences, all because I can’t control my thoughts about what happened to me in the past.
Until these last few years, my life has been a complete shit show. I didn’t have any money, I was constantly fighting with family members, my mother was basically ill all the time and out of work because of it. I was a horrid mess, I was constantly depressed to the point where I couldn’t even take a shower, always angry and fighting with everyone, I was being bullied in school, eating disorders, self-harm, suicide attempts, in and out of mental hospitals. Later I got into an abusive relationship, which traumatized me deeply and I haven’t dealt with it until this day.
I’m always ruminating on the past, even though it is not there anymore, I still think about it. It causes great pain. So I drink, or take drugs not as prescribed to deal with the pain.
It’s important to recognize that the past is the past, we are living now, we should enjoy the now and stop thinking about what happened or what could happen.
Hope whoever is reading this has a great day, enjoy the now!