Mental health log

It’s been rough lately…I spiraled right into panic and anxiety after a long depressive episode. I started to have issues with food again, I started to feel like I’m overweight and started to control my food. I basically starve myself now for whatever reason, I feel like it’s because I have absolutely no control over my life, so I chose this one thing I CAN control, and that is what I eat and how much I eat and when I eat. It’s not bothering me yet, but it feels like I’m protesting everything in this life by depriving myself of food, which is completely stupid. And I feel like it’s going to get worse from today…

So, I’m gay. My mom knows that, she knows I have a girlfriend of two years and I thought she had accepted that. I was wrong. It’s her birthday, so we went out to eat and she had a drink. That drink was enough for her to go on a tangent…She started saying that she still wishes that I’ll find a guy who could take care of me financially and etc. Right then and there I felt this pain, I wanted to cry, I knew I had disappointed her and the most painful thing was that she was right…I’m never going to get to have a normal life like everyone else, I’ll probably never have this strong shoulder to lean on like other women do. My girlfriend is struggling financially and has a lot of other things to deal with, so it’s hard…

My life is a complete mess. I’m a mess. I don’t know how I’ve let it get to this. I don’t have a future, all I think about is dying lately, I don’t see the point in continuing all of this…I hope I go as soon as possible.

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Weakling

I am weak-willed. I am weak before temptations and I am weak before God. I say I am this one thing that I would love to be, this imaginary person that I have not yet become because of my weakness. I’m supposed to be this old soul that doesn’t do anything bad  but then I turn around and do all these bad things. I say: Oh, I don’t smoke or drink at all (that is ideally what I would love to achieve in this life) but then I go and smoke or have a drink and then I am ashamed of myself because I didn’t live up to what I said I was. Time and time again I try and teach myself all these things like patience and self-control, but the more I try the more I fail.

Countless books have been read on all types of philosophies and spiritual practices and it hasn’t helped me at all. I find myself failing at everything I try to do with myself, my spirit. I pick up meditation and try to incorporate some spiritual practices in my life and my emotional state gets worse, after I meditate I find myself being more irritated and snap more easily as opposed to when I do not meditate.

All these mandalas and mantras and meditations attract me so much, like a beautifully wrapped candy bar but then I realize that I’m just a mere human being with a lot of weaknesses and it is impossible for me to just be this perfect human being.

It is painfully hard when you live your life solely because of someone else, and do things because of someone else. I stopped smoking because I thought my parents would be proud of me, I bought expensive clothes because I wanted the approval of my brother, I put unrealistic standards on myself that I couldn’t keep up with.

Moral of the story is, if you are not doing something because of you and you do it for someone else, you are ultimately setting yourself up for failure. You have to have this strong will to do something for you and only you, not thinking about how it would impact others or what others would think.

Can’t even cry

I got my three days off work. I thought this is going to be a great time to just cry my eyes out, scream and roll around in tears on the floor. No, I could only manage about 10 minutes of crying and that wasn’t enough for me to get all of it out. How am I supposed to mourn a relationship when I can’t even shed a few tears?

The drugs I’m taking are so strong that they prevent me from even having a good cry when I need it, when the circumstances are such…Two-year relationship ended and I can’t even cry…What is the meaning of this?

So, I’m just waddling around the house hazy, frazzled and disoriented, constantly sucking on my e-cig for some type of comfort.

My phone is now always silent, which perpetuates the haunting feeling of loneliness. I can’t believe I’m alone again, is this feeling enough for me to break and go back to her? I feel like nobody even cares enough, all people can say is to just get over it, don’t cry about it, etc. How are you not supposed to cry about someone you shared two years of your life with? Yes, there were a lot of bad times but there were also good times.

The thought about starting all over again is daunting. Meeting new people some time again, trying to get to know them, all that shebang. I really don’t feel like it anymore, I feel like it’s easier to be alone nowadays, there are less and less adequate people to meet, everything is so different now than it was before. She was the only one that could deal with my mental breakdowns and just me in general, I don’t think I will be able to find someone else like that.

If I can’t be with that person, I’m not going to try and be with anyone else. I live alone and I die alone.

Love isn’t enough

Sometimes…Love isn’t enough to keep a relationship alive. Simply loving each other won’t work, it takes very hard work and two people need to be present and do their best to be better. If one person is doing all the work, trying to be a better person for the sake of the other, pushes the other to do better but they don’t listen, then I’m sorry…

My last relationship lasted for one year and nine months. We broke up yesterday. It was very messy. After all the texts and phone calls I left my work place in tears and hysterics. I cried on the grass near where I work and couldn’t bring myself to go home.

It didn’t last because there is no future with this person. If you don’t see a future with someone or there is not a lot of good prospects, you need to think if the person is right for you. Put yourself first. After almost two years, I got tired of pushing and pushing and hoping for something to happen, but it didn’t, and it never will, hope dies. Sometimes two people are good, but that doesn’t mean they are good together.

Just waiting for this to pass faster so I can move on with my life and be happy on my own. I’m so terrified of loneliness, it is going to be very hard, but I have my family and I hope that will be an enough reason for me to keep on going, it hurts, but life moves on, you still have to got to work, talk, socialize, etc. Life doesn’t wait or stop for the heartbroken.

The importance of the right medication|Mental health log

After ten years of utmost suffering, trials and tribulations, I can finally say that I’m the most stable I have ever been.

I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking, I stopped recklessly and impulsively spending my money, I stopped being crazy… After ten years a doctor finally took the time to actually think about how to help me, and he did…

I don’t want to sit here and promote medication, but if you are someone struggling with serious mental health issues, demand good treatment and good medication, because that really makes a change, the right medication can actually turn your whole life around, you will be a different person, and not in a bad way… I know there are people that don’t agree with taking medication, but I’d rather take medication than deal with my issues in an unhealthy way, like drinking, smoking and reckless behavior.

I have been in and out of doctors offices for more than a decade, and it takes so much time to actually find the right treatment, but eventually, I did.

Since I’m on the right medication, I’m calmer, more collected, I deal with issues in my daily life a bit differently, I have close to zero anxiety, I’m happier, I see life in different colors now. I have slip ups, there are days when I still don’t feel great, but it passes quicker and I bounce back almost immediately. I used to wake up with crippling anxiety and I would be so angry, I couldn’t manage my anger, I was the worst. Now, I can actually talk to people and have a conversation, which is fulfilling. I actually smile and mean it, I found out what true contentment is.

Life is simple, take care of yourself and the universe will also take care of you.


Current medication for bipolar disorder type II:

Fluoxetine

Gabapentin

Levomepromazine

Zopiclonum

God

It seems to me that when you are at your lowest, it is when God decides to show himself to you. When you are clawing for just a tiny fraction of relief, God appears to you in all his glory. He reaches out to you and breathes life into you.

At my lowest points in life, in the bouts of crippling depression, it is then when I found God. It may sound like psychotic babble, but it is true when I say that when I think there is absolutely no way of getting better and the loneliness is just too much for me to bear, I start stumbling upon, for example, songs that talk about God and then I remember that he is there and I’m not as alone as I thought I was. It just shows that you don’t have to be always looking for him and waiting, he finds you first, he knows it when you need him.

Now, I’m very apprehensive about talking about God for a couple of reasons:

  1. I have a mental disorder and people can just assume I’m being rediculous or having an episode, after all there is such a thing as ‘religious psychosis’
  2. In this day and age it just seems like almost everyone has turned themselves away from God and don’t believe in such things, which is quite frankly, very sad, we live in an era of atheism and many condemn Christianity (especially leftists and liberals)

I don’t consider myself religious or a Christian even, because I haven’t really referred to the Bible many times, so I’m not very knowlegeable, but all I know is that I have faith and that faith is enough to keep me going.

I know that no matter what you feel and how you feel, he is always there for you with open arms to help you through all your challenges. The Lord shall set free you.

Psalm 34:18-19 - Bible Verse on Healing

 

salt and lime

Every word…

Every single syllable and action out of line,

burns my flesh to the bone.

The slightest friction in your tone,

like skin ripped off and sprinkled with salt and lime.

Every word of what you say,

makes my insides tremble and shake with dismay.

My flesh is raw, like I’m skinned alive,

every gaze thrown wrongfully my way,

cuts my skin open like a razor blade.

everything moves me in ways you don’t know,

so in peace I heal and in silence I grow.

 

 

The Shift

I felt compelled to write about how I’m feeling today.

I’ve never felt like this in my life…

I have never felt such darkness that is not depression.

I can’t explain it… The atmosphere around me has never felt so heavy, has never felt so dark… It feels external if that makes any sense. Like it’s coming from the outside and not from me.

Like I’m being weighed down by something… It almost feels supernatural.

I’m picking up on this misery, sadness, and darkness wherever I go. I’m watching other people’s lives getting destroyed. All around me people are miserable, angry and sad.

The other day, I woke up and out of nowhere something as if grabbed me by my neck and told me to go to church. So I did. Me not being a religious person, these things don’t happen by accident.

I started blessing my home constantly, making things to keep me safe because it feels like all of us are under spiritual attack.

I’ve been getting these weird headaches and vomiting out of nowhere…

Something has shifted… I feel like the energy on this planet is not the same anymore, it’s darker, it’s heavier, it’s worse. Things are happening…and they are not good.

I feel very weird. I’m not depressed but I feel this fear, this hopelessness, and doom.

And it is not coming from me…

Something is changing, something is shifting on this Earth and I can feel it in the air.

Protect yourself.

Crosses

We are born,

we take on our path,

each and every one with a cross on their back.

Some heavier,

some easier to bear,

some wooden, some gold plated,

the latter being very rare.

We carry them to work, to home and back again,

while we laugh or cry,

it’s always there.

We go to sleep, lay it aside,

wake up again, wear it with pride.

 

 

 

Contempt

With each and every year I become more and more reclusive.

My dissatisfaction with people and the outside world grows stronger.

I always hated people, since an early age I’ve always had this contempt towards humans, something in me always protested against them. With time, as I came across multiple negative experiences with people in friendships and relationships, I realized even more that I was right, humans are just not right for me.

All my life I felt disconnected from people, I felt like I was a different breed. My interests, my views and everything else made me out of place with the others. Misunderstood constantly, looked down on, etc.

Over years I grew more and more disappointed with my fellow humans. So called friends stole from me, made fun of me behind my back, used me and all of that was just when I was a kid. Then school came around where I was constantly mocked, etc.

Later I was betrayed as a grown up, cheated on, used, abused. And now, I am this. I recluse. I trust absolutely no one. I cut my circle of the people I talk to to 2-3 people. And even with those, I communicate very rarely.

After everything, I can honestly say that I have absolutely no empathy towards people, I dislike them and want nothing to do with them and I’m quite comfortable with that.

Yes, I know there are good people out there, but only select few. To me, the majority of people are bad, selfish, greedy, liars, etc. I learned that the hard way.

I know human nature, and human nature is inherently evil.

If it was up to me, I would ditch everything and go live at a cottage house in the middle of nowhere, grow my own food and all that good stuff. Buuut, since my life is what it is, all of my jobs that I had and the one I am starting now requires communicating with people. But since this job will be mostly just giving out keys to people who go to the gym and swiping their cards, I think I’ll manage to keep the communication as minimal as possible.

Yes, yes, there is enough evil in the world and enough bad people, we need more empathy and kindness, well, you’re not getting it from me.