I don’t really need you

I don’t really need you…

I’ve got my demons to keep me company.

I don’t really need you,

when we go back and forth my madness keeps a hold of me.

I don’t really need you,

I am whole without you but only a piece when you’re with me,

you slice me up with words but you struggle to get beneath me.

And I don’t really need you,

that much.

After all, what people are to me is an accessory,

every person a revenge for what has been done to me.

You remind me of them all,

all the names I’ve been called…

And I don’t really need you,

it’s just a matter of time,

until you crack under pressure and turn me in for a dime.

 

 

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Scars

Every time I look into the mirror,

All my scars light up on fire…

Especially the big one that goes down my spine.

I hate it. But it’s mine.

And the small ones go up like little fireflies…

A representation of an operation when I was four,

and a picture of self-hatred back when I was nine.

All my scars and scratches a long string of unsolved little crimes…

A failed attempt when I was eighteen,

A fragile self-esteem,

a face drowned in tears and faint ‘please, love me.’

They never did…

And each scar in the place of millions of words,

doubts and uncertainty.

A ‘hold me’, but instead I’ll bleed.

And each day they serve as a reminder of I once healed.

And I’ll heal again.

With imaginary love and drug-induced zen.

And even if the pain comes back ten times ten,

I’ll remember to way back when.

This life is a prison, I’m just waiting to die,

for a crime against myself, a 25 to life.

 

 

 

 

To dad

I was your little girl,

but now we fell apart…

You never talk to me anymore,

and the things you said – I took to heart.

All the times they were wrong,

you were always on my side…

You hugged me close, told them off and kept me out the fire.

But now you’ve grown tired…

You’re solemn and quiet,

You act like I’m not there…

And every time I look at you,

you don’t even seem to care…

I’m not that little girl anymore,

and I’m not someone you hoped to see,

and I know you’re dissapointed,

you wanted something else for me.

I’m sorry,

Hope sometime again you’ll talk to me,

that little girl from nineteen ninety three…

 

 

 

Hello, Pain!

Hello, Pain! Long time no see…

After all these months I thought you forgot about me…

In my chest there’s a hollow, you’re nowhere in sight,

I’ve gotten used to you first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

I see you’ve found your way back, you’re alive and well in me,

We’ve been through so much since I was thirteen…

You’re there when I cry and you’re there when I smile,

You sometimes leave, but you only leave for a while,

Nothing more than a matter of time.

I see you’ve missed me, and I’ve missed you, too,

Come sit at the table, I made dinner for two…

I know you pray on the weak and I’m perfect for you.

Why did you come back? What’s the reason behind it?

Did you catch me slipping or was there a reason provided?

Anyway, it doesn’t matter, just don’t ever leave,

because without you I’m not me and I forget how to breathe,

Just be next to me, sit by my bed,

and tell me the tales in which I am dead.

 

The broken and the poor

Don’t tell me life is roses and sweet cream on peaches,

Don’t tell me I can just look up to the sky and pick up the pieces,

I’m useless…

I’ve been there, at the darkest hour, head held low in the shower,

Water trickling down my spine, I am there for the pain to devour.

Don’t tell me to put on a smile and pretend I know what game we are in,

You mumble about God and how feeling pain is a sin…

How I am ungrateful and careless, selfish to the core,

I just know there is no cure for the broken and the poor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flawed machine

They said, take this,

It will make your problems go away…

I took their word and took the pills without a say.

Fast forward ten years later,

and six pills to hold me up a day,

I still go through pits of fire to keep anxieties at bay.

One pill for the morning, one to help you sleep at night,

I don’t know what I’m holding,

My hands are empty, I could not keep up the fight.

One during the day, one in the afternoon,

It keeps you sane, what do you have to lose?

And if I try to quit, the demons come right back…

Can’t control emotions, too quick to snap.

It’s all a downword spiral, nothing like you’ve ever seen,

All because the brain is a fucked up, flawed machine.

 

 

 

 

Brittle

How the wind blows,

When it blows, it does with all its might,

So many hazy mornings,

So many times I thought I’d lost my sight.

They pushed me down with all their force,

They stepped on me, all one hundred feet,

I crawled back up, I had no choice…

One too many lessons learned,

I studied them hard with great devotion,

But it was the same pit of hell that left me burnt

and burnt out with no emotion.

Don’t call me weak because I cry,

Don’t call me naive because I trusted,

and don’t call me stubborn because I try.

How the rain pours,

When it pours, it does with all its might,

But how beautiful it is,

To a heart in pain, a pure delight.

Loneliness

Loneliness,

Like a drop of wine on my lips,

Sour, yet intoxicating at the same time.

There is no God for me to go to,

So I sit still by the pain and hope to survive.

I die in pain, I die alone,

I have come from nowhere, and nowhere I go…

My orphaned spirit is left on the rocks,

If there is no one by my side, then let it be so…

 

I am one

We are together, but I am one,

Look at all the wreck I’ve done,

I’ve torn you apart, yet you come back,

I cut the ropes, you cut the slack.

We dance in unity and harmonize,

One day you’re loved, the next – despised.

With every step I try and make you see,

You love a monster, who is me.

I eat you whole, then spit you out,

You never know what I’m about.

We are together, yet I am one,

The madness has only just begun,

We have a life time to be brave,

and dance our way into the grave.

I’m lonely…

And loneliness is when your blood is deficient in love,

trust, kindness, compassion and all of the good things above…

Spring crawls through the debris and it seems like there is a lot of things,

I can be lonely with.

Sing with the robins in disbelief that there is still winter seeping

through the skin,

It is not too long until there is grass beneath my feet,

the snow still glistens in the sun yet

I feel so incomplete…

All else awakens, yet I fell asleep.

And this is the season of happy faces – hollow hearts,

in anticipation of glee and sparks between them,

this is the season,

all the smiles, oh, how I would love to believe them.

Give me your pain like water to a stem,

it inspires me, only then shall I thrive…

I need pain,

only then…

I am alive.