Brittle

How the wind blows,

When it blows, it does with all its might,

So many hazy mornings,

So many times I thought I’d lost my sight.

They pushed me down with all their force,

They stepped on me, all one hundred feet,

I crawled back up, I had no choice…

One too many lessons learned,

I studied them hard with great devotion,

But it was the same pit of hell that left me burnt

and burnt out with no emotion.

Don’t call me weak because I cry,

Don’t call me naive because I trusted,

and don’t call me stubborn because I try.

How the rain pours,

When it pours, it does with all its might,

But how beautiful it is,

To a heart in pain, a pure delight.

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The past shapes us

I always wonder why people who have suffered trauma or have mental illness turn to drugs and alcohol for escape. What is the appeal? I ask myself quite often.

Even though my life has been more or less stable these past few years, I still find myself struggling with thoughts and emotions I cannot control. Lately, I found myself drinking more than I should have. I was on a three-day alcohol binge which left me completely exhausted now, I’m still suffering the consequences, all because I can’t control my thoughts about what happened to me in the past.

Until these last few years, my life has been a complete shit show. I didn’t have any money, I was constantly fighting with family members, my mother was basically ill all the time and out of work because of it. I was a horrid mess, I was constantly depressed to the point where I couldn’t even take a shower, always angry and fighting with everyone, I was being bullied in school, eating disorders, self-harm, suicide attempts, in and out of mental hospitals. Later I got into an abusive relationship, which traumatized me deeply and I haven’t dealt with it until this day.

I’m always ruminating on the past, even though it is not there anymore, I still think about it. It causes great pain. So I drink, or take drugs not as prescribed to deal with the pain.

It’s important to recognize that the past is the past, we are living now, we should enjoy the now and stop thinking about what happened or what could happen.

Hope whoever is reading this has a great day, enjoy the now!

Can’t even cry

I got my three days off work. I thought this is going to be a great time to just cry my eyes out, scream and roll around in tears on the floor. No, I could only manage about 10 minutes of crying and that wasn’t enough for me to get all of it out. How am I supposed to mourn a relationship when I can’t even shed a few tears?

The drugs I’m taking are so strong that they prevent me from even having a good cry when I need it, when the circumstances are such…Two-year relationship ended and I can’t even cry…What is the meaning of this?

So, I’m just waddling around the house hazy, frazzled and disoriented, constantly sucking on my e-cig for some type of comfort.

My phone is now always silent, which perpetuates the haunting feeling of loneliness. I can’t believe I’m alone again, is this feeling enough for me to break and go back to her? I feel like nobody even cares enough, all people can say is to just get over it, don’t cry about it, etc. How are you not supposed to cry about someone you shared two years of your life with? Yes, there were a lot of bad times but there were also good times.

The thought about starting all over again is daunting. Meeting new people some time again, trying to get to know them, all that shebang. I really don’t feel like it anymore, I feel like it’s easier to be alone nowadays, there are less and less adequate people to meet, everything is so different now than it was before. She was the only one that could deal with my mental breakdowns and just me in general, I don’t think I will be able to find someone else like that.

If I can’t be with that person, I’m not going to try and be with anyone else. I live alone and I die alone.

Loneliness

Loneliness,

Like a drop of wine on my lips,

Sour, yet intoxicating at the same time.

There is no God for me to go to,

So I sit still by the pain and hope to survive.

I die in pain, I die alone,

I have come from nowhere, and nowhere I go…

My orphaned spirit is left on the rocks,

If there is no one by my side, then let it be so…

 

Love isn’t enough

Sometimes…Love isn’t enough to keep a relationship alive. Simply loving each other won’t work, it takes very hard work and two people need to be present and do their best to be better. If one person is doing all the work, trying to be a better person for the sake of the other, pushes the other to do better but they don’t listen, then I’m sorry…

My last relationship lasted for one year and nine months. We broke up yesterday. It was very messy. After all the texts and phone calls I left my work place in tears and hysterics. I cried on the grass near where I work and couldn’t bring myself to go home.

It didn’t last because there is no future with this person. If you don’t see a future with someone or there is not a lot of good prospects, you need to think if the person is right for you. Put yourself first. After almost two years, I got tired of pushing and pushing and hoping for something to happen, but it didn’t, and it never will, hope dies. Sometimes two people are good, but that doesn’t mean they are good together.

Just waiting for this to pass faster so I can move on with my life and be happy on my own. I’m so terrified of loneliness, it is going to be very hard, but I have my family and I hope that will be an enough reason for me to keep on going, it hurts, but life moves on, you still have to got to work, talk, socialize, etc. Life doesn’t wait or stop for the heartbroken.

I am one

We are together, but I am one,

Look at all the wreck I’ve done,

I’ve torn you apart, yet you come back,

I cut the ropes, you cut the slack.

We dance in unity and harmonize,

One day you’re loved, the next – despised.

With every step I try and make you see,

You love a monster, who is me.

I eat you whole, then spit you out,

You never know what I’m about.

We are together, yet I am one,

The madness has only just begun,

We have a life time to be brave,

and dance our way into the grave.

The importance of the right medication|Mental health log

After ten years of utmost suffering, trials and tribulations, I can finally say that I’m the most stable I have ever been.

I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking, I stopped recklessly and impulsively spending my money, I stopped being crazy… After ten years a doctor finally took the time to actually think about how to help me, and he did…

I don’t want to sit here and promote medication, but if you are someone struggling with serious mental health issues, demand good treatment and good medication, because that really makes a change, the right medication can actually turn your whole life around, you will be a different person, and not in a bad way… I know there are people that don’t agree with taking medication, but I’d rather take medication than deal with my issues in an unhealthy way, like drinking, smoking and reckless behavior.

I have been in and out of doctors offices for more than a decade, and it takes so much time to actually find the right treatment, but eventually, I did.

Since I’m on the right medication, I’m calmer, more collected, I deal with issues in my daily life a bit differently, I have close to zero anxiety, I’m happier, I see life in different colors now. I have slip ups, there are days when I still don’t feel great, but it passes quicker and I bounce back almost immediately. I used to wake up with crippling anxiety and I would be so angry, I couldn’t manage my anger, I was the worst. Now, I can actually talk to people and have a conversation, which is fulfilling. I actually smile and mean it, I found out what true contentment is.

Life is simple, take care of yourself and the universe will also take care of you.


Current medication for bipolar disorder type II:

Fluoxetine

Gabapentin

Levomepromazine

Zopiclonum

better than a soul orphaned

I can’t stand to be alone,

I need cackling in the other rooms.

Someone scurrying around for something,

to feel a whiff of someone’s perfume…

Familiar or unfamiliar soul, it doesn’t matter,

to be alone or not,

I choose the latter.

I can’t stand an empty home,

Big one or small,

I want to be in the midst of playful banter,

or hear the music of someone’s chatter…

Argue or not, it’s not that important,

an exhange of battling opinions is

better than a soul orhpaned.

When all of us gather in our tiny kitchen,

it is like all of us share the same religion,

put our differences aside, it is not that important,

being together is better than being a soul that is orphaned.

 

I’m lonely…

And loneliness is when your blood is deficient in love,

trust, kindness, compassion and all of the good things above…

Spring crawls through the debris and it seems like there is a lot of things,

I can be lonely with.

Sing with the robins in disbelief that there is still winter seeping

through the skin,

It is not too long until there is grass beneath my feet,

the snow still glistens in the sun yet

I feel so incomplete…

All else awakens, yet I fell asleep.

And this is the season of happy faces – hollow hearts,

in anticipation of glee and sparks between them,

this is the season,

all the smiles, oh, how I would love to believe them.

Give me your pain like water to a stem,

it inspires me, only then shall I thrive…

I need pain,

only then…

I am alive.

 

Don’t wake me

Don’t wake me from my sleep…

I won’t see my screen light up or hear the beep,

I’m in too deep.

I put my cares aside and drift away,

I hug my pillow and take the leap.

Switch between dimensions,

nightmares and wishful dreams,

I have no worries…

Just for this moment,

I let my eyes close and pretend I don’t know you,

nothing around me counts,

just the street lights outside my window

covering the snow,

turning it into a photograph – sepia tone.

Sleep – like a tiny death envelopes my whole,

I am one in my bed but I’m not alone.

I don’t hear the phone, leave a message after the tone,

I’ll answer when I’m alive again,

In the morning to come…