Nothing

Sitting here in tears while my mom is asleep in the other room. Just crying because I don’t know where to go from here anymore.

Seems like my life is on the rocks. I have no job and barely any money. I’m back to square one, looking for a low paying job with a bachelors degree. This is my life, it is nothing. I am nothing. I’m almost 25 and achieved absolutely fucking zero.  All has almost fallen apart.

After all, I don’t think I’d wish this kind of life of mental torture on anyone I hate. A life that is complete zero. A waste. That is going nowhere.

All I feel is shame that I just couldn’t fulfill my dreams and achieve anything.

I hate how unfair everything is. Someone gets 5 million a month and someone like me is sitting on an old bench in some shithole without a penny and can’t get a job with higher education. How fair is the world?

 

Tense

Sometimes you get so tense and emotionally unstable that familiar scenes start to look foreign. The people that once brought you joy now seem unbearable, you’re completely detached from them. It seems that you’re living in your own little miserable bubble and others live in a completely different world.

You’ve become a hermit. Even a trip to the store makes you want to punch every single oblivious shopper in there. Feels like 1000 needles are piercing your skin every second of the day.

You try and laugh and be normal, you take your medication, your vitamins, you make jokes but you know that inside you’re rotting away and one day you just snap and you can’t do it anymore. You scream, you cry and do dumb things like harm yourself. You’re empty but you feel everything.

It eats you on the inside. Nothing you do is ever enough to make you feel better.

Deaths sweet, soothing lullaby

While it’s quiet,
and spirits dance around me while I cry,
I hear so often in the night,
Death’s sweet, soothing lullaby.

It sings about the knot,
and the rope you use to tie it,
it sings about the freedom,
it knows that you are tired.

It sings about the buildings,
ones that stand up tall,
about the flight that comes with them,
about the moment when it ends it all.

I hear it’s silky undertone,
It’s begging me to try,
I’m in no two minds,
this was the last time I heard,
death’s sweet, soothing lullaby.

The devil is a lovely fellow

The devil is a lovely fellow,
He asked me for a dance,
I smiled and took his hand,
I knew this dance would be my last.

We danced our way through the old town,
through narrow streets and passersby,
through old building run down,
he spoke to me – his voice a silky lullaby.

He took me back to where we met,
He looked at me with glee,
He knew I felt no dread,
because he knew he’s taking me.

Gloomy Summer

Summer was never this gloomy
Shadows follow me around,
I’m on the path to find peace,
But I’m pushed off of that ground.

I was supposed to drown in lavish nature,
In murky waters of lakes and ponds,
Bask in the yellow, all-seeing eye,
But instead, to my haven, I abscond.

Closer to my shrines of Buddha, Jesus, Shiva,
To my false sense of belonging,
Gods I’ve never believed in.
I’m leaving…

This summer and all summers before,
Behind,
As well as all of mankind,
And this life that’s a chore,
I’m alive to the core,
But bloodless inside.

Lonely Trip

A clutch, a clench, a grip,
to a zip.
A scarce apprehension of what it was made of,
I knew it was about to be a lonely trip.

A train ride full of frowns of other guests,
they are on it for the same trip,
they clutch, they clench, they grip,
to a zip.

Eyes empty and a stiff upper lip,
keep all to yourself, don’t let a sound slip,
soon we will all be there, all going the same way,
see the children and the others look down as they pray.

It’s only getting faster, it’s picking up speed,
The murmurs getting louder as they look up to God,
We’re all in it too deep.
A crash and it’s over, no one made it alive,
Indeed,
we were all in it, but it was a short, lonely ride.

You and I

You and I,

Can we go back to July

and rewrite the stories of our lives?

Burn all the chapters,

because there’s no more meaning in those lies.

All the way from chapter one,

Watching all the ashes as they dry,

Dance around the bonfire while it’s done.

There’s no more past,

Just a wicked thought,

Laid long ago to rest.

This new book will last a century,

and a lifetime at its’ best.

 

I Did Not Ask For This

I want to talk about something. A question that bothers me every single day. I want to shove all the disorders and depressions aside and just talk about it, what I really think about life.

Since an early age I am bothered with a question about why… Why exactly am I here if I do not want it? Why wasn’t I asked before coming here if I wanted this life or not? Nobody ever asks you this question. So to me, I feel like I was shoved onto this place and expected to enjoy the hell out of it and be grateful for every single little leaf on the trees. When in reality, ever since I was a kid, I never saw a reason for this. In fact, I feel very upset because it feels like I am forced to do this. Why should you play a game if you don’t like the rules and you don’t like the game?

This is such an unbelievably taboo topic to even open your mouth about. Everyone just expects you to be happy and grateful for life, no matter how you feel, you do not have the right to disagree with the idea of life itself. Otherwise, you are ungrateful, you are dispicable and how dare you? You have been given this amazing opportunity to just…well…exist. And if things are bad, look at Billy, he has it worse, that should make you feel better.

I never really talk about this because if you tell this to an average Joe, he will be properly shocked. Because apparently, life is so beautiful and so precious, how dare you say something like this and maybe, they will even bring God into the equation. So better to keep it shut.

So I keep it shut and just try and trick myself into enjoying things every single day, every single day is a lie and I damn sure know it.

Imagine what a horrible way of life it is. I don’t have any goals, any aspirations, I never had them, I always just existed so everyone else can just shut the fuck up.

I went through hell and back and still stuck around because I’m unfortunately human enough to think about others, because I owe them. Yeah, that’s right, nobody asked you to be here, yet you owe everyone everything, you owe your parents, you owe them just because they made you.

Enough for now, just wanted to put this out into the universe.