I am one

We are together, but I am one,

Look at all the wreck I’ve done,

I’ve torn you apart, yet you come back,

I cut the ropes, you cut the slack.

We dance in unity and harmonize,

One day you’re loved, the next – despised.

With every step I try and make you see,

You love a monster, who is me.

I eat you whole, then spit you out,

You never know what I’m about.

We are together, yet I am one,

The madness has only just begun,

We have a life time to be brave,

and dance our way into the grave.

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The importance of the right medication|Mental health log

After ten years of utmost suffering, trials and tribulations, I can finally say that I’m the most stable I have ever been.

I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking, I stopped recklessly and impulsively spending my money, I stopped being crazy… After ten years a doctor finally took the time to actually think about how to help me, and he did…

I don’t want to sit here and promote medication, but if you are someone struggling with serious mental health issues, demand good treatment and good medication, because that really makes a change, the right medication can actually turn your whole life around, you will be a different person, and not in a bad way… I know there are people that don’t agree with taking medication, but I’d rather take medication than deal with my issues in an unhealthy way, like drinking, smoking and reckless behavior.

I have been in and out of doctors offices for more than a decade, and it takes so much time to actually find the right treatment, but eventually, I did.

Since I’m on the right medication, I’m calmer, more collected, I deal with issues in my daily life a bit differently, I have close to zero anxiety, I’m happier, I see life in different colors now. I have slip ups, there are days when I still don’t feel great, but it passes quicker and I bounce back almost immediately. I used to wake up with crippling anxiety and I would be so angry, I couldn’t manage my anger, I was the worst. Now, I can actually talk to people and have a conversation, which is fulfilling. I actually smile and mean it, I found out what true contentment is.

Life is simple, take care of yourself and the universe will also take care of you.


Current medication for bipolar disorder type II:

Fluoxetine

Gabapentin

Levomepromazine

Zopiclonum

salt and lime

Every word…

Every single syllable and action out of line,

burns my flesh to the bone.

The slightest friction in your tone,

like skin ripped off and sprinkled with salt and lime.

Every word of what you say,

makes my insides tremble and shake with dismay.

My flesh is raw, like I’m skinned alive,

every gaze thrown wrongfully my way,

cuts my skin open like a razor blade.

everything moves me in ways you don’t know,

so in peace I heal and in silence I grow.

 

 

Empty carapace

An empty carapace.

A string of unsolved murders tied to the feet.

Wobble through the seasons with a hollow heart.

Chocking on the hatred and the rancor,

Blood on my hands as I watch it all fall apart.

I’ve joined hands with the dead and danced with the living,

and none of those saved me from the dark.

Kept on my knees to stand up tall again,

kept my ears open despite your vicious bark.

No one can possible envision the emptiness I hold within,

a black vortex of unhinged emotion,

rage that I hold in.

A barbarous silence fills the air,

but you can’t see me,

I’m not there.

 

 

Tense

Sometimes you get so tense and emotionally unstable that familiar scenes start to look foreign. The people that once brought you joy now seem unbearable, you’re completely detached from them. It seems that you’re living in your own little miserable bubble and others live in a completely different world.

You’ve become a hermit. Even a trip to the store makes you want to punch every single oblivious shopper in there. Feels like 1000 needles are piercing your skin every second of the day.

You try and laugh and be normal, you take your medication, your vitamins, you make jokes but you know that inside you’re rotting away and one day you just snap and you can’t do it anymore. You scream, you cry and do dumb things like harm yourself. You’re empty but you feel everything.

It eats you on the inside. Nothing you do is ever enough to make you feel better.

Why is nothing working?

I don’t quite understand why nothing is working. I try my best to regulate my mood and my well-being but it doesn’t quite seem to be doing the job.

I’m on four different medications. A mood stabilizer, antidepressant, sleep aid and antipsychotic.

A couple of weeks ago I took up meditation seriously and even started doing yoga in the morning. I started this new journey of self-reflection and discovery. I started spending tons of time in nature, in forests and by lakes in the sun.  Thinking a lot about how I can become more calm and relaxed and just let things flow. Started reading a lot also.

I was feeling a lot better in general, more stable and relaxed, but there is this one thing… As soon as I start talking to anyone I get extremely angry, whenever I talk to someone or am at the grocery store I get very frustrated with everyone and am on the edge. On the other hand, when I’m alone, I’m completely Zen. This is ridiculous.

I’m trying to teach myself compassion towards other people, but I didn’t realize how hard it could be, being hurt so many times in so many ways and being distanced from people for so long, it is hard to feel for them when for so long all you felt was the opposite to compassion.

People like me usually laugh at things like meditation and yoga, but damn, it helps, even if a little, it does. Although, I’m still dealing with anger and trauma from time to time I’m more in tune with myself.

That is it from me.

 

Want to play? 

Every day is a pretend,

I’m alright, I feel okay. 

Life’s a game, you want to play? 

Buckle up, make sure you’re safe. 

Hide the true, don’t let them know,

Everything’s about control.

If you lose it, it’s time to go. 

Start from scratch, the process – slow.

Pick a mask, pick out your gown,

No one wants to see you frown.

Make sure everything’s in place,

Check your savings, walk with grace, 

Organise all things you own,

Just pretend you’re in control. 

When all else just falls apart,

You’ve got that just to hold on. 

Look like you are not in pain,

Even when you trip again,

Nothing matters, nothing hurts,

After all, it’s just a game.