Dead autumn

I buried myself beneath the dead leaves of autumn,
Laid me to rest in the cold dirt,
I let myself die in pain,
Only to re-emerge unhurt.

A blank canvas once again,
With no past and no name.
A soaring ghost without a shred of content,
only agony and only with sadness to gain.

I buried my hope in the wet autumn ground,
My phone is off the hook,
I’m not coming around.
I am six feet under and nowhere to be found.

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Developing social phobia

I was always awkward. Awkward with people, anxious around them. But that was it.

Now it’s turning into something worse.

Gradually, over years I’ve started to drift away as far as possible from people and society in general. With every year I became more and more reclusive.

I have deleted all of my social media. I left almost no trace, it’s as if I don’t exist. All I have is my email and this blog.

I wanted nobody to know of my existence.

I cut off more and more people out of my life. I used to go out at least some times with people, now I am too afraid to leave the house.

I can’t go to crowded places anymore, I can’t go to the store, I can’t go out to eat. I just stay inside all the time when I am not working. Public transport gives me horrendous anxiety.

Going out to eat with my family always ends up with a fight because I’m anxious the place is extremely crowded.

Never thought it would become like this.

My circle of people I talk to is my mom, dad and my girlfriend. That’s it. The other acquaintances I have, I have to make up excuses all the time to not see them because I’m so scared of being awkward.

It just gets worse.

New Job and Stress

I am being put through tests right now in life.

Changes, both positive and negative.

I’m really shocked that almost every single person who holds a higher position at a work place or whatnot, is almost never a good person. They’re so condescending and so full of themselves because they achieved this higher position, so that gives them permission to treat others as someone less than they are.

This new work place is going to be a mess. My manager is my age and she is so, so full of herself, I’m not even lying. She acts like she’s 15, boasting all the time. Yeah, kudos to her for coming from nothing and being someone, but come on, get off your high horse.

Yes, I am slightly embarrassed about myself because I worked so hard to get a degree, working in an office a 9-5 (which was actually 9-6) job and then downgrading to giving out keys at a gym.

People who don’t know me may think of me as an underachiever when they don’t know my story and my struggles. I barely finished university because of my bipolar and couldn’t handle the office job, so I chose something easier for myself, something I could handle.

But nothing is perfect. I’ve spent years of avoiding and being scared to run into people from school or anyone else, I’ve deleted myself off social media entirely so no one could find me because I am terrified of people judging me and talking behind my back. Now, I find out that my manager knows almost all my classmates and her boyfriend was one of my bullies. How could this happen to me? I’m shocked, is this some kind of sick test for me?

Plus, all of my colleagues are women. The type of women that are vultures, just waiting to get their hands on some gossip about you and I know that I’m in deep shit since she knows all my classmates. I know people, people love to just talk crap behind your back.

Anyway, it’s interesting to see how things will pan out, whether I will completely lose hope in human kind or maybe regain it. Who knows.

Haunting past

I am 24 and my past still haunts me to this day.

I got a new job and what I found out got me into a complete mental breakdown.

I found out that my manager’s boyfriend is my most vicious bully. He bullied me in school relentlessly. The most disgusting thing is, he bullied me because of my disability and I think people who do that deserve capital punishment.

Because of him, I can’t stand the names of some animals, the sight of them even, they bring back flashbacks.

She kept showing me pictures of him and that was it…

I don’t know if I should work there because I am going to have to see him which I don’t know if I would be able to handle emotionally.

For these past two days all I am doing is crying because I am so terrified that I will be talked about, she will tell him about me, and he will tell her all about me, that scares me to death, being talked about and bullied once again.

People tell me to get over it. How? I have been traumatized and bullied into a psych ward. Because of those kids, I can never feel enough and to this day I feel ugly, unworthy and like a freak because I have a disability.

I have lost sleep and cannot sleep anymore because of the anxiety.

Contempt

With each and every year I become more and more reclusive.

My dissatisfaction with people and the outside world grows stronger.

I always hated people, since an early age I’ve always had this contempt towards humans, something in me always protested against them. With time, as I came across multiple negative experiences with people in friendships and relationships, I realized even more that I was right, humans are just not right for me.

All my life I felt disconnected from people, I felt like I was a different breed. My interests, my views and everything else made me out of place with the others. Misunderstood constantly, looked down on, etc.

Over years I grew more and more disappointed with my fellow humans. So called friends stole from me, made fun of me behind my back, used me and all of that was just when I was a kid. Then school came around where I was constantly mocked, etc.

Later I was betrayed as a grown up, cheated on, used, abused. And now, I am this. I recluse. I trust absolutely no one. I cut my circle of the people I talk to to 2-3 people. And even with those, I communicate very rarely.

After everything, I can honestly say that I have absolutely no empathy towards people, I dislike them and want nothing to do with them and I’m quite comfortable with that.

Yes, I know there are good people out there, but only select few. To me, the majority of people are bad, selfish, greedy, liars, etc. I learned that the hard way.

I know human nature, and human nature is inherently evil.

If it was up to me, I would ditch everything and go live at a cottage house in the middle of nowhere, grow my own food and all that good stuff. Buuut, since my life is what it is, all of my jobs that I had and the one I am starting now requires communicating with people. But since this job will be mostly just giving out keys to people who go to the gym and swiping their cards, I think I’ll manage to keep the communication as minimal as possible.

Yes, yes, there is enough evil in the world and enough bad people, we need more empathy and kindness, well, you’re not getting it from me.

Satan’s Cellar Dweller

Every day scrambling for something good in me,

But there’s evil in every cell,

It gets the best of me.

And every night I go to sleep,

I pray to Jesus on the crucifix,

Fall asleep with good intentions,

wake up as the best friend of Lucifer.

Dwelling in my cellar,

angels try to break through,

I know evil is the strongest force,

but maybe there’s something good, too.

Here he is, the fallen angel, knocking at my door again,

I try to fight but once more I let him win.

It’s ten minutes to three, I’m sharpening my knives,

Homicidal ideation, I might be taking lives tonight.

I walk these empty streets alone,

Looking for an easy prey,

Someone is about meet their death…

on Lord’s day.

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It’s time to stop

When you’re constantly being thrown in and out of depressive states with anxiety, you start to develop these really unhealthy habits.

You get so tired of trying things the healthy way, like not drinking coffee or smoking because it makes you more anxious, watching what you eat, etc. But when you realize that those tricks aren’t working, you start to become this, sort of, hedonistic creature. At least I do.

You’re so sick of the almost constant state of displeasure, that you start to begin to try and avoid it by any means possible. You kind of burst after trying all the time.

So a short while ago I got so tired of trying to quit smoking, quit coffee, eating less junk food, etc., I just said fuck it and started smoking like a chimney, drinking a bunch of coffee, eating bowls and bowls of pasta and junk and my mindset was and still is awful, it’s like, cut me some slack, will you? I’m struggling over here, let me do things that make me happy, even if it’s for a short while and even if they ruin my health. If you dare touch my coffee, food or cigarettes, that is where your life ends. 

Now I’m slowly watching the pounds creep back up on me because all I live off is pasta every day. Heaps of it. Because hell, I like it. Who cares, right?

I’m feeling my heart beating faster every day and my sleep getting progressively worse because of the coffee and cigarettes. But again, did I stop? No. Why? Because I simply started to cut me a bit too much slack.

And this type of mindset is not going to do anyone any good. Often times I’ll think, weeeeeell, I have this condition that is really uncomfortable, it brings me a lot of pain, so let me just make it a little bit easier for myself.

I won’t lie, going outside to have a cigarette brings me immense pleasure, so does drinking a nice, sweet cup of coffee and of course, the huge bowls of pasta and french fries make my problems go away for a bit.

But is it worth it? I think not, I think if you’re struggling the last thing you should do is let everything slide all the time and let yourself do whatever you want. In fact, you SHOULD be watching what you put into your body, you should be concerned about your health ten fold. Because your mind or your body is a lot more fragile than that of another person.

I know it is hard, we all want that relief, but it’s time…It’s time to stop!!! It’s time to stop self-loathing and making it worse for yourself.

I’ve tried to quit smoking about 15-20 times in my life, I failed, but I’ll be damned if I ever stop trying, I’ll die trying. Because in the end, it is that important.

Please take care of yourself.

 

Camatose

Yet again,
these pits of hell,
grip me tightly ’round my neck,
it’s a love song, it’s a spell,
feel this pain spread in my chest.
I slip into my comatose,
heavy, medicated sleep,
a thousand needles, head to toe,
as the night grows dark and deep.
There’s no escape and no salvation
from this illness I possess,
It’s a cage and I’m a beast,
held in captive and possessed.

Why is nothing working?

I don’t quite understand why nothing is working. I try my best to regulate my mood and my well-being but it doesn’t quite seem to be doing the job.

I’m on four different medications. A mood stabilizer, antidepressant, sleep aid and antipsychotic.

A couple of weeks ago I took up meditation seriously and even started doing yoga in the morning. I started this new journey of self-reflection and discovery. I started spending tons of time in nature, in forests and by lakes in the sun.  Thinking a lot about how I can become more calm and relaxed and just let things flow. Started reading a lot also.

I was feeling a lot better in general, more stable and relaxed, but there is this one thing… As soon as I start talking to anyone I get extremely angry, whenever I talk to someone or am at the grocery store I get very frustrated with everyone and am on the edge. On the other hand, when I’m alone, I’m completely Zen. This is ridiculous.

I’m trying to teach myself compassion towards other people, but I didn’t realize how hard it could be, being hurt so many times in so many ways and being distanced from people for so long, it is hard to feel for them when for so long all you felt was the opposite to compassion.

People like me usually laugh at things like meditation and yoga, but damn, it helps, even if a little, it does. Although, I’m still dealing with anger and trauma from time to time I’m more in tune with myself.

That is it from me.