Alter Egos

Over these years I have developed several alter egos. They were conjured up by trauma and different people.

I think it’s healthy to have at least one alter ego or different personality to handle stress if you don’t have other tools to do so. An alter ego gives you the opportunity to handle certain situations better, it can be a bigger and better version of you.

I have two. Both are very different from my usual, regular self. To the point of having different clothing styles and musical taste.

Theres me – A.  Very weak, emotional, very depressed and anxious. Well, just me, the regular me, insecure with a lot of mental issues. No specific core really. Very empty. No real personality, just a ball of emotions, can’t handle life.

Then there’s Hunter. The best of the three. Takes control under great stress. Is very confident, cold and distant. Serious. Has very dark humor, is calm and collected. But is very insensitive and very, very dark. Always wears black, practices witchcraft. Is very spiritual. Listens to indie music.

Nathan. A young, overconfident, arrogant male. 21 years old. Loves expensive things, wears big watches and sportswear. Is the lighthearted one, loves jokes. Listens to a lot of douchy rap music.

There’s one or two more but I haven’t pinpointed them yet.

Anyway, a fun way to deal with life and hardships. I love Hunter the most, I wish she visited more frequently.

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Developing social phobia

I was always awkward. Awkward with people, anxious around them. But that was it.

Now it’s turning into something worse.

Gradually, over years I’ve started to drift away as far as possible from people and society in general. With every year I became more and more reclusive.

I have deleted all of my social media. I left almost no trace, it’s as if I don’t exist. All I have is my email and this blog.

I wanted nobody to know of my existence.

I cut off more and more people out of my life. I used to go out at least some times with people, now I am too afraid to leave the house.

I can’t go to crowded places anymore, I can’t go to the store, I can’t go out to eat. I just stay inside all the time when I am not working. Public transport gives me horrendous anxiety.

Going out to eat with my family always ends up with a fight because I’m anxious the place is extremely crowded.

Never thought it would become like this.

My circle of people I talk to is my mom, dad and my girlfriend. That’s it. The other acquaintances I have, I have to make up excuses all the time to not see them because I’m so scared of being awkward.

It just gets worse.

New Job and Stress

I am being put through tests right now in life.

Changes, both positive and negative.

I’m really shocked that almost every single person who holds a higher position at a work place or whatnot, is almost never a good person. They’re so condescending and so full of themselves because they achieved this higher position, so that gives them permission to treat others as someone less than they are.

This new work place is going to be a mess. My manager is my age and she is so, so full of herself, I’m not even lying. She acts like she’s 15, boasting all the time. Yeah, kudos to her for coming from nothing and being someone, but come on, get off your high horse.

Yes, I am slightly embarrassed about myself because I worked so hard to get a degree, working in an office a 9-5 (which was actually 9-6) job and then downgrading to giving out keys at a gym.

People who don’t know me may think of me as an underachiever when they don’t know my story and my struggles. I barely finished university because of my bipolar and couldn’t handle the office job, so I chose something easier for myself, something I could handle.

But nothing is perfect. I’ve spent years of avoiding and being scared to run into people from school or anyone else, I’ve deleted myself off social media entirely so no one could find me because I am terrified of people judging me and talking behind my back. Now, I find out that my manager knows almost all my classmates and her boyfriend was one of my bullies. How could this happen to me? I’m shocked, is this some kind of sick test for me?

Plus, all of my colleagues are women. The type of women that are vultures, just waiting to get their hands on some gossip about you and I know that I’m in deep shit since she knows all my classmates. I know people, people love to just talk crap behind your back.

Anyway, it’s interesting to see how things will pan out, whether I will completely lose hope in human kind or maybe regain it. Who knows.

Contempt

With each and every year I become more and more reclusive.

My dissatisfaction with people and the outside world grows stronger.

I always hated people, since an early age I’ve always had this contempt towards humans, something in me always protested against them. With time, as I came across multiple negative experiences with people in friendships and relationships, I realized even more that I was right, humans are just not right for me.

All my life I felt disconnected from people, I felt like I was a different breed. My interests, my views and everything else made me out of place with the others. Misunderstood constantly, looked down on, etc.

Over years I grew more and more disappointed with my fellow humans. So called friends stole from me, made fun of me behind my back, used me and all of that was just when I was a kid. Then school came around where I was constantly mocked, etc.

Later I was betrayed as a grown up, cheated on, used, abused. And now, I am this. I recluse. I trust absolutely no one. I cut my circle of the people I talk to to 2-3 people. And even with those, I communicate very rarely.

After everything, I can honestly say that I have absolutely no empathy towards people, I dislike them and want nothing to do with them and I’m quite comfortable with that.

Yes, I know there are good people out there, but only select few. To me, the majority of people are bad, selfish, greedy, liars, etc. I learned that the hard way.

I know human nature, and human nature is inherently evil.

If it was up to me, I would ditch everything and go live at a cottage house in the middle of nowhere, grow my own food and all that good stuff. Buuut, since my life is what it is, all of my jobs that I had and the one I am starting now requires communicating with people. But since this job will be mostly just giving out keys to people who go to the gym and swiping their cards, I think I’ll manage to keep the communication as minimal as possible.

Yes, yes, there is enough evil in the world and enough bad people, we need more empathy and kindness, well, you’re not getting it from me.

Bored

So bored and out of it,
Staring at the stale, dry cracks in the wall,
A cockroach leans in for a kiss with the dirty dish.
It’s been a while…
Look at the nightfall,
I’ve been waiting to put this cigarette to my lips,
Inhale…
Make a wish.
Smoke caressing the lungs like a gun gently brushing against the temple,
It smells like death, if the smokes are going to kill me, let them.
It’s been too long,
Already twenty-five out of seventy,
and the thought of leaving this hell seems heavenly.
I have nothing to offer,
just my worn out shell.
Like a bride rejected and left at the altar.
If I go unnoticed, I won’t have to tell.
But for now, let the bones decay,
I’ll be here in the clouds of smoke,
Waiting so patiently,
when twenty-five becomes seventy,
and my life is erased from the first, to the last day.

It’s time to stop

When you’re constantly being thrown in and out of depressive states with anxiety, you start to develop these really unhealthy habits.

You get so tired of trying things the healthy way, like not drinking coffee or smoking because it makes you more anxious, watching what you eat, etc. But when you realize that those tricks aren’t working, you start to become this, sort of, hedonistic creature. At least I do.

You’re so sick of the almost constant state of displeasure, that you start to begin to try and avoid it by any means possible. You kind of burst after trying all the time.

So a short while ago I got so tired of trying to quit smoking, quit coffee, eating less junk food, etc., I just said fuck it and started smoking like a chimney, drinking a bunch of coffee, eating bowls and bowls of pasta and junk and my mindset was and still is awful, it’s like, cut me some slack, will you? I’m struggling over here, let me do things that make me happy, even if it’s for a short while and even if they ruin my health. If you dare touch my coffee, food or cigarettes, that is where your life ends. 

Now I’m slowly watching the pounds creep back up on me because all I live off is pasta every day. Heaps of it. Because hell, I like it. Who cares, right?

I’m feeling my heart beating faster every day and my sleep getting progressively worse because of the coffee and cigarettes. But again, did I stop? No. Why? Because I simply started to cut me a bit too much slack.

And this type of mindset is not going to do anyone any good. Often times I’ll think, weeeeeell, I have this condition that is really uncomfortable, it brings me a lot of pain, so let me just make it a little bit easier for myself.

I won’t lie, going outside to have a cigarette brings me immense pleasure, so does drinking a nice, sweet cup of coffee and of course, the huge bowls of pasta and french fries make my problems go away for a bit.

But is it worth it? I think not, I think if you’re struggling the last thing you should do is let everything slide all the time and let yourself do whatever you want. In fact, you SHOULD be watching what you put into your body, you should be concerned about your health ten fold. Because your mind or your body is a lot more fragile than that of another person.

I know it is hard, we all want that relief, but it’s time…It’s time to stop!!! It’s time to stop self-loathing and making it worse for yourself.

I’ve tried to quit smoking about 15-20 times in my life, I failed, but I’ll be damned if I ever stop trying, I’ll die trying. Because in the end, it is that important.

Please take care of yourself.

 

Strawberry Mark

My scars light up on fire,

every time I reminiscence,

of the abyss, I was held captive in.

the mirrors are my liars,

they told me I would never come to win.

The walls are my only,

the listeners in the dark,

of my sighs and my prayers – holy,

as I begin to remember your strawberry marks.

I’m a prisoner of my universe,

of this glass wall, I have made,

of my soul that is wounded,

of my body – decayed.

Bipolar ad Spiritual practices

I was pondering on one thing today.

Is it possible for a person to indulge in spiritual practices with severe mental disorders?

Is it possible to rewire a damaged, anxious and depressed brain that didn’t know any better for 25 years? I just wonder…Can you make your life a bit more bearable other than taking copious amounts of medication?

I’m very into Buddhism and try to practice it to the best of my abilities, but I recently heard news about a Buddhist (Michael Stone) committing suicide.

Really goes to show you how powerful the disease really is. It has no mercy, it doesn’t care if you’re Christian, Hindu or Buddhist, it gets a hold of you anyway. So I wonder, can you tackle this disease at all?

Is it a waste of time or should you keep going? Can you teach yourself to be compassionate again? Can you return to the state when you were as a little child and conjure up the compassionate and loving self? Can you teach yourself to let go easily? What does it take and how long?

I know how easy it is to obsess over things, it’s very common for people with mental illness to be very religious. I have a friend who has schizophrenia and she is very religious and believes in Jesus with all her heart, prays relentlessly, it’s very common for people with schizophrenia to do so, she even believes meditating to be evil. So again I wonder, where is the line of practicing things in a healthy way rather than obsessing over religion and spirituality when you have a mental health problem?

Although I think spiritual practices are not the ultimate cure, it’s definetly a great way to manage your disease, but only when it’s not overdone, if it is it can be damaging.

I think taking bits and pieces of spiritual practices can be very beneficial when it is done adequately.

Eventhough I am not a fan of riligions such as Christinanity but I still believe that praying is a good thing, it promotes stillness and being still is what we all need.

‘To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.’

 

Today

Today,
I have become what I hate.
The monster gripping around my neck
and shoving me around.
I have become what had despised,
now I am the one,
pushing others to the ground.
Never thought and never knew,
this is what I would come to,
ashamed and guilty to the core.
Ashamed and guity every minute,
I never wanted to admit it,
but now,
I am what I had been afraid of.