Nothing

Sitting here in tears while my mom is asleep in the other room. Just crying because I don’t know where to go from here anymore.

Seems like my life is on the rocks. I have no job and barely any money. I’m back to square one, looking for a low paying job with a bachelors degree. This is my life, it is nothing. I am nothing. I’m almost 25 and achieved absolutely fucking zero.  All has almost fallen apart.

After all, I don’t think I’d wish this kind of life of mental torture on anyone I hate. A life that is complete zero. A waste. That is going nowhere.

All I feel is shame that I just couldn’t fulfill my dreams and achieve anything.

I hate how unfair everything is. Someone gets 5 million a month and someone like me is sitting on an old bench in some shithole without a penny and can’t get a job with higher education. How fair is the world?

 

Tense

Sometimes you get so tense and emotionally unstable that familiar scenes start to look foreign. The people that once brought you joy now seem unbearable, you’re completely detached from them. It seems that you’re living in your own little miserable bubble and others live in a completely different world.

You’ve become a hermit. Even a trip to the store makes you want to punch every single oblivious shopper in there. Feels like 1000 needles are piercing your skin every second of the day.

You try and laugh and be normal, you take your medication, your vitamins, you make jokes but you know that inside you’re rotting away and one day you just snap and you can’t do it anymore. You scream, you cry and do dumb things like harm yourself. You’re empty but you feel everything.

It eats you on the inside. Nothing you do is ever enough to make you feel better.

Why is nothing working?

I don’t quite understand why nothing is working. I try my best to regulate my mood and my well-being but it doesn’t quite seem to be doing the job.

I’m on four different medications. A mood stabilizer, antidepressant, sleep aid and antipsychotic.

A couple of weeks ago I took up meditation seriously and even started doing yoga in the morning. I started this new journey of self-reflection and discovery. I started spending tons of time in nature, in forests and by lakes in the sun.  Thinking a lot about how I can become more calm and relaxed and just let things flow. Started reading a lot also.

I was feeling a lot better in general, more stable and relaxed, but there is this one thing… As soon as I start talking to anyone I get extremely angry, whenever I talk to someone or am at the grocery store I get very frustrated with everyone and am on the edge. On the other hand, when I’m alone, I’m completely Zen. This is ridiculous.

I’m trying to teach myself compassion towards other people, but I didn’t realize how hard it could be, being hurt so many times in so many ways and being distanced from people for so long, it is hard to feel for them when for so long all you felt was the opposite to compassion.

People like me usually laugh at things like meditation and yoga, but damn, it helps, even if a little, it does. Although, I’m still dealing with anger and trauma from time to time I’m more in tune with myself.

That is it from me.

 

Deaths sweet, soothing lullaby

While it’s quiet,
and spirits dance around me while I cry,
I hear so often in the night,
Death’s sweet, soothing lullaby.

It sings about the knot,
and the rope you use to tie it,
it sings about the freedom,
it knows that you are tired.

It sings about the buildings,
ones that stand up tall,
about the flight that comes with them,
about the moment when it ends it all.

I hear it’s silky undertone,
It’s begging me to try,
I’m in no two minds,
this was the last time I heard,
death’s sweet, soothing lullaby.

Gloomy Summer

Summer was never this gloomy
Shadows follow me around,
I’m on the path to find peace,
But I’m pushed off of that ground.

I was supposed to drown in lavish nature,
In murky waters of lakes and ponds,
Bask in the yellow, all-seeing eye,
But instead, to my haven, I abscond.

Closer to my shrines of Buddha, Jesus, Shiva,
To my false sense of belonging,
Gods I’ve never believed in.
I’m leaving…

This summer and all summers before,
Behind,
As well as all of mankind,
And this life that’s a chore,
I’m alive to the core,
But bloodless inside.

You and I

You and I,

Can we go back to July

and rewrite the stories of our lives?

Burn all the chapters,

because there’s no more meaning in those lies.

All the way from chapter one,

Watching all the ashes as they dry,

Dance around the bonfire while it’s done.

There’s no more past,

Just a wicked thought,

Laid long ago to rest.

This new book will last a century,

and a lifetime at its’ best.

 

I Did Not Ask For This

I want to talk about something. A question that bothers me every single day. I want to shove all the disorders and depressions aside and just talk about it, what I really think about life.

Since an early age I am bothered with a question about why… Why exactly am I here if I do not want it? Why wasn’t I asked before coming here if I wanted this life or not? Nobody ever asks you this question. So to me, I feel like I was shoved onto this place and expected to enjoy the hell out of it and be grateful for every single little leaf on the trees. When in reality, ever since I was a kid, I never saw a reason for this. In fact, I feel very upset because it feels like I am forced to do this. Why should you play a game if you don’t like the rules and you don’t like the game?

This is such an unbelievably taboo topic to even open your mouth about. Everyone just expects you to be happy and grateful for life, no matter how you feel, you do not have the right to disagree with the idea of life itself. Otherwise, you are ungrateful, you are dispicable and how dare you? You have been given this amazing opportunity to just…well…exist. And if things are bad, look at Billy, he has it worse, that should make you feel better.

I never really talk about this because if you tell this to an average Joe, he will be properly shocked. Because apparently, life is so beautiful and so precious, how dare you say something like this and maybe, they will even bring God into the equation. So better to keep it shut.

So I keep it shut and just try and trick myself into enjoying things every single day, every single day is a lie and I damn sure know it.

Imagine what a horrible way of life it is. I don’t have any goals, any aspirations, I never had them, I always just existed so everyone else can just shut the fuck up.

I went through hell and back and still stuck around because I’m unfortunately human enough to think about others, because I owe them. Yeah, that’s right, nobody asked you to be here, yet you owe everyone everything, you owe your parents, you owe them just because they made you.

Enough for now, just wanted to put this out into the universe.

 

 

Hollow

Every morning is greeted with hollow dents

in the walls of my room and my marrow.

The emptiness with which the day is attended is inexcusable,

yet let it be better tomorrow.

It will arrive just like the days that came before

and the furniture will still stand unmoved,

the pillow next to me will still remain an excess

and I will still be trapped in solitude.

Immobile, at moments the spirit dances away into space

and I watch it go,

It joins all the other souls lost and they combine in a promenade.

They do it with grace…

And I remain paralyzed in the moment with anxiety,

And the silence vindicates and spreads through the sphere,

Entirely.

 

 

 

 

 

Want to play? 

Every day is a pretend,

I’m alright, I feel okay. 

Life’s a game, you want to play? 

Buckle up, make sure you’re safe. 

Hide the true, don’t let them know,

Everything’s about control.

If you lose it, it’s time to go. 

Start from scratch, the process – slow.

Pick a mask, pick out your gown,

No one wants to see you frown.

Make sure everything’s in place,

Check your savings, walk with grace, 

Organise all things you own,

Just pretend you’re in control. 

When all else just falls apart,

You’ve got that just to hold on. 

Look like you are not in pain,

Even when you trip again,

Nothing matters, nothing hurts,

After all, it’s just a game.