salt and lime

Every word…

Every single syllable and action out of line,

burns my flesh to the bone.

The slightest friction in your tone,

like skin ripped off and sprinkled with salt and lime.

Every word of what you say,

makes my insides tremble and shake with dismay.

My flesh is raw, like I’m skinned alive,

every gaze thrown wrongfully my way,

cuts my skin open like a razor blade.

everything moves me in ways you don’t know,

so in peace I heal and in silence I grow.

 

 

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Empty carapace

An empty carapace.

A string of unsolved murders tied to the feet.

Wobble through the seasons with a hollow heart.

Chocking on the hatred and the rancor,

Blood on my hands as I watch it all fall apart.

I’ve joined hands with the dead and danced with the living,

and none of those saved me from the dark.

Kept on my knees to stand up tall again,

kept my ears open despite your vicious bark.

No one can possible envision the emptiness I hold within,

a black vortex of unhinged emotion,

rage that I hold in.

A barbarous silence fills the air,

but you can’t see me,

I’m not there.

 

 

Gripped

If someone ever told me a couple of years ago that I’d be living like this, I would never believe them.

It feels like I’m in a state of depression that never ends. Every day is the same feelings of despair and hopelessness. I take my medicine every day but it just doesn’t do anything to ease the pain.

Even a couple of years ago, while I was studying and life didn’t hit me so hard yet, I wanted to do things, I was interested in so many things, I used to work out, look after myself, play the guitar, write poetry and much more. Now, I don’t do anything at all, even poetry, which was so easy for me doesn’t come so easy anymore. I’ve lost completely all interest in anything I used to do. I have no friends and just stay at home when I don’t have to go to work. I spend my days hating life and wishing to not be here anymore. I always thought I’d be someone but I work a low paying job even though I have a bachelors degree, barely have any money and no will to live.

I wish I had my life back, instead, it’s in the grips of depression and a miserable life.

I wish the new year would start without me in it…

 

One day at a time

Seems like I can’t do it no more,

death is the only thing on my mind

and I can’t seem to step down in life.

Hope the heavens take me,

hope the heavens bless me,

I’m sick of being so tired.

In and out of mental prisons,

cycles of abuse seemed never-ending,

a healthy dose of skepticism didn’t save me from pretending.

They were condescending,

The doom impending,

wasn’t worth the money I was spending.

No shoes, no clothes would put a cloth over my wounds,

aching.

Can I go?

Would you let me?

Another day would be too much, can God save me?

Or maybe I’ll just shut up like I always do,

Put the mask on and be the person who,

stood beside you like nothing was wrong,

the same person you devalue,

but oh well,

I guess it’s like this for now,

having nothing, staying at my parent’s house,

barely have a dime to my name,

but I have my soul and I have heart,

everybody but I to blame,

I have poems, I have art,

and no shame in my game.

 

 

 

 

 

The High Priest

For once,
let me be the beauty and not the beast,
not the under,
but the High Priest,
worthy of your attention at the very least.

For once,
let me hear gasps of amazement when I walk by,
let me be visible to the eye,
and not bantam like a fruit fly.
Let me be loud enough for you to hear my
war cry,
because I,
want to leave speck of a spark
before we all die.

I want to mean something,
I want to be more,
worth more than a penny and a louis d’or,
shining so bright,
no one can ignore.
I want you to see me,
and be shook to your core.

Dead autumn

I buried myself beneath the dead leaves of autumn,
Laid me to rest in the cold dirt,
I let myself die in pain,
Only to re-emerge unhurt.

A blank canvas once again,
With no past and no name.
A soaring ghost without a shred of content,
only agony and only with sadness to gain.

I buried my hope in the wet autumn ground,
My phone is off the hook,
I’m not coming around.
I am six feet under and nowhere to be found.

Developing social phobia

I was always awkward. Awkward with people, anxious around them. But that was it.

Now it’s turning into something worse.

Gradually, over years I’ve started to drift away as far as possible from people and society in general. With every year I became more and more reclusive.

I have deleted all of my social media. I left almost no trace, it’s as if I don’t exist. All I have is my email and this blog.

I wanted nobody to know of my existence.

I cut off more and more people out of my life. I used to go out at least some times with people, now I am too afraid to leave the house.

I can’t go to crowded places anymore, I can’t go to the store, I can’t go out to eat. I just stay inside all the time when I am not working. Public transport gives me horrendous anxiety.

Going out to eat with my family always ends up with a fight because I’m anxious the place is extremely crowded.

Never thought it would become like this.

My circle of people I talk to is my mom, dad and my girlfriend. That’s it. The other acquaintances I have, I have to make up excuses all the time to not see them because I’m so scared of being awkward.

It just gets worse.

New Job and Stress

I am being put through tests right now in life.

Changes, both positive and negative.

I’m really shocked that almost every single person who holds a higher position at a work place or whatnot, is almost never a good person. They’re so condescending and so full of themselves because they achieved this higher position, so that gives them permission to treat others as someone less than they are.

This new work place is going to be a mess. My manager is my age and she is so, so full of herself, I’m not even lying. She acts like she’s 15, boasting all the time. Yeah, kudos to her for coming from nothing and being someone, but come on, get off your high horse.

Yes, I am slightly embarrassed about myself because I worked so hard to get a degree, working in an office a 9-5 (which was actually 9-6) job and then downgrading to giving out keys at a gym.

People who don’t know me may think of me as an underachiever when they don’t know my story and my struggles. I barely finished university because of my bipolar and couldn’t handle the office job, so I chose something easier for myself, something I could handle.

But nothing is perfect. I’ve spent years of avoiding and being scared to run into people from school or anyone else, I’ve deleted myself off social media entirely so no one could find me because I am terrified of people judging me and talking behind my back. Now, I find out that my manager knows almost all my classmates and her boyfriend was one of my bullies. How could this happen to me? I’m shocked, is this some kind of sick test for me?

Plus, all of my colleagues are women. The type of women that are vultures, just waiting to get their hands on some gossip about you and I know that I’m in deep shit since she knows all my classmates. I know people, people love to just talk crap behind your back.

Anyway, it’s interesting to see how things will pan out, whether I will completely lose hope in human kind or maybe regain it. Who knows.

Contempt

With each and every year I become more and more reclusive.

My dissatisfaction with people and the outside world grows stronger.

I always hated people, since an early age I’ve always had this contempt towards humans, something in me always protested against them. With time, as I came across multiple negative experiences with people in friendships and relationships, I realized even more that I was right, humans are just not right for me.

All my life I felt disconnected from people, I felt like I was a different breed. My interests, my views and everything else made me out of place with the others. Misunderstood constantly, looked down on, etc.

Over years I grew more and more disappointed with my fellow humans. So called friends stole from me, made fun of me behind my back, used me and all of that was just when I was a kid. Then school came around where I was constantly mocked, etc.

Later I was betrayed as a grown up, cheated on, used, abused. And now, I am this. I recluse. I trust absolutely no one. I cut my circle of the people I talk to to 2-3 people. And even with those, I communicate very rarely.

After everything, I can honestly say that I have absolutely no empathy towards people, I dislike them and want nothing to do with them and I’m quite comfortable with that.

Yes, I know there are good people out there, but only select few. To me, the majority of people are bad, selfish, greedy, liars, etc. I learned that the hard way.

I know human nature, and human nature is inherently evil.

If it was up to me, I would ditch everything and go live at a cottage house in the middle of nowhere, grow my own food and all that good stuff. Buuut, since my life is what it is, all of my jobs that I had and the one I am starting now requires communicating with people. But since this job will be mostly just giving out keys to people who go to the gym and swiping their cards, I think I’ll manage to keep the communication as minimal as possible.

Yes, yes, there is enough evil in the world and enough bad people, we need more empathy and kindness, well, you’re not getting it from me.

Bored

So bored and out of it,
Staring at the stale, dry cracks in the wall,
A cockroach leans in for a kiss with the dirty dish.
It’s been a while…
Look at the nightfall,
I’ve been waiting to put this cigarette to my lips,
Inhale…
Make a wish.
Smoke caressing the lungs like a gun gently brushing against the temple,
It smells like death, if the smokes are going to kill me, let them.
It’s been too long,
Already twenty-five out of seventy,
and the thought of leaving this hell seems heavenly.
I have nothing to offer,
just my worn out shell.
Like a bride rejected and left at the altar.
If I go unnoticed, I won’t have to tell.
But for now, let the bones decay,
I’ll be here in the clouds of smoke,
Waiting so patiently,
when twenty-five becomes seventy,
and my life is erased from the first, to the last day.