Brittle

How the wind blows,

When it blows, it does with all its might,

So many hazy mornings,

So many times I thought I’d lost my sight.

They pushed me down with all their force,

They stepped on me, all one hundred feet,

I crawled back up, I had no choice…

One too many lessons learned,

I studied them hard with great devotion,

But it was the same pit of hell that left me burnt

and burnt out with no emotion.

Don’t call me weak because I cry,

Don’t call me naive because I trusted,

and don’t call me stubborn because I try.

How the rain pours,

When it pours, it does with all its might,

But how beautiful it is,

To a heart in pain, a pure delight.

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The past shapes us

I always wonder why people who have suffered trauma or have mental illness turn to drugs and alcohol for escape. What is the appeal? I ask myself quite often.

Even though my life has been more or less stable these past few years, I still find myself struggling with thoughts and emotions I cannot control. Lately, I found myself drinking more than I should have. I was on a three-day alcohol binge which left me completely exhausted now, I’m still suffering the consequences, all because I can’t control my thoughts about what happened to me in the past.

Until these last few years, my life has been a complete shit show. I didn’t have any money, I was constantly fighting with family members, my mother was basically ill all the time and out of work because of it. I was a horrid mess, I was constantly depressed to the point where I couldn’t even take a shower, always angry and fighting with everyone, I was being bullied in school, eating disorders, self-harm, suicide attempts, in and out of mental hospitals. Later I got into an abusive relationship, which traumatized me deeply and I haven’t dealt with it until this day.

I’m always ruminating on the past, even though it is not there anymore, I still think about it. It causes great pain. So I drink, or take drugs not as prescribed to deal with the pain.

It’s important to recognize that the past is the past, we are living now, we should enjoy the now and stop thinking about what happened or what could happen.

Hope whoever is reading this has a great day, enjoy the now!

Can’t even cry

I got my three days off work. I thought this is going to be a great time to just cry my eyes out, scream and roll around in tears on the floor. No, I could only manage about 10 minutes of crying and that wasn’t enough for me to get all of it out. How am I supposed to mourn a relationship when I can’t even shed a few tears?

The drugs I’m taking are so strong that they prevent me from even having a good cry when I need it, when the circumstances are such…Two-year relationship ended and I can’t even cry…What is the meaning of this?

So, I’m just waddling around the house hazy, frazzled and disoriented, constantly sucking on my e-cig for some type of comfort.

My phone is now always silent, which perpetuates the haunting feeling of loneliness. I can’t believe I’m alone again, is this feeling enough for me to break and go back to her? I feel like nobody even cares enough, all people can say is to just get over it, don’t cry about it, etc. How are you not supposed to cry about someone you shared two years of your life with? Yes, there were a lot of bad times but there were also good times.

The thought about starting all over again is daunting. Meeting new people some time again, trying to get to know them, all that shebang. I really don’t feel like it anymore, I feel like it’s easier to be alone nowadays, there are less and less adequate people to meet, everything is so different now than it was before. She was the only one that could deal with my mental breakdowns and just me in general, I don’t think I will be able to find someone else like that.

If I can’t be with that person, I’m not going to try and be with anyone else. I live alone and I die alone.

Loneliness

Loneliness,

Like a drop of wine on my lips,

Sour, yet intoxicating at the same time.

There is no God for me to go to,

So I sit still by the pain and hope to survive.

I die in pain, I die alone,

I have come from nowhere, and nowhere I go…

My orphaned spirit is left on the rocks,

If there is no one by my side, then let it be so…

 

Love isn’t enough

Sometimes…Love isn’t enough to keep a relationship alive. Simply loving each other won’t work, it takes very hard work and two people need to be present and do their best to be better. If one person is doing all the work, trying to be a better person for the sake of the other, pushes the other to do better but they don’t listen, then I’m sorry…

My last relationship lasted for one year and nine months. We broke up yesterday. It was very messy. After all the texts and phone calls I left my work place in tears and hysterics. I cried on the grass near where I work and couldn’t bring myself to go home.

It didn’t last because there is no future with this person. If you don’t see a future with someone or there is not a lot of good prospects, you need to think if the person is right for you. Put yourself first. After almost two years, I got tired of pushing and pushing and hoping for something to happen, but it didn’t, and it never will, hope dies. Sometimes two people are good, but that doesn’t mean they are good together.

Just waiting for this to pass faster so I can move on with my life and be happy on my own. I’m so terrified of loneliness, it is going to be very hard, but I have my family and I hope that will be an enough reason for me to keep on going, it hurts, but life moves on, you still have to got to work, talk, socialize, etc. Life doesn’t wait or stop for the heartbroken.

I am one

We are together, but I am one,

Look at all the wreck I’ve done,

I’ve torn you apart, yet you come back,

I cut the ropes, you cut the slack.

We dance in unity and harmonize,

One day you’re loved, the next – despised.

With every step I try and make you see,

You love a monster, who is me.

I eat you whole, then spit you out,

You never know what I’m about.

We are together, yet I am one,

The madness has only just begun,

We have a life time to be brave,

and dance our way into the grave.

The importance of the right medication|Mental health log

After ten years of utmost suffering, trials and tribulations, I can finally say that I’m the most stable I have ever been.

I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking, I stopped recklessly and impulsively spending my money, I stopped being crazy… After ten years a doctor finally took the time to actually think about how to help me, and he did…

I don’t want to sit here and promote medication, but if you are someone struggling with serious mental health issues, demand good treatment and good medication, because that really makes a change, the right medication can actually turn your whole life around, you will be a different person, and not in a bad way… I know there are people that don’t agree with taking medication, but I’d rather take medication than deal with my issues in an unhealthy way, like drinking, smoking and reckless behavior.

I have been in and out of doctors offices for more than a decade, and it takes so much time to actually find the right treatment, but eventually, I did.

Since I’m on the right medication, I’m calmer, more collected, I deal with issues in my daily life a bit differently, I have close to zero anxiety, I’m happier, I see life in different colors now. I have slip ups, there are days when I still don’t feel great, but it passes quicker and I bounce back almost immediately. I used to wake up with crippling anxiety and I would be so angry, I couldn’t manage my anger, I was the worst. Now, I can actually talk to people and have a conversation, which is fulfilling. I actually smile and mean it, I found out what true contentment is.

Life is simple, take care of yourself and the universe will also take care of you.


Current medication for bipolar disorder type II:

Fluoxetine

Gabapentin

Levomepromazine

Zopiclonum

God

It seems to me that when you are at your lowest, it is when God decides to show himself to you. When you are clawing for just a tiny fraction of relief, God appears to you in all his glory. He reaches out to you and breathes life into you.

At my lowest points in life, in the bouts of crippling depression, it is then when I found God. It may sound like psychotic babble, but it is true when I say that when I think there is absolutely no way of getting better and the loneliness is just too much for me to bear, I start stumbling upon, for example, songs that talk about God and then I remember that he is there and I’m not as alone as I thought I was. It just shows that you don’t have to be always looking for him and waiting, he finds you first, he knows it when you need him.

Now, I’m very apprehensive about talking about God for a couple of reasons:

  1. I have a mental disorder and people can just assume I’m being rediculous or having an episode, after all there is such a thing as ‘religious psychosis’
  2. In this day and age it just seems like almost everyone has turned themselves away from God and don’t believe in such things, which is quite frankly, very sad, we live in an era of atheism and many condemn Christianity (especially leftists and liberals)

I don’t consider myself religious or a Christian even, because I haven’t really referred to the Bible many times, so I’m not very knowlegeable, but all I know is that I have faith and that faith is enough to keep me going.

I know that no matter what you feel and how you feel, he is always there for you with open arms to help you through all your challenges. The Lord shall set free you.

Psalm 34:18-19 - Bible Verse on Healing

 

salt and lime

Every word…

Every single syllable and action out of line,

burns my flesh to the bone.

The slightest friction in your tone,

like skin ripped off and sprinkled with salt and lime.

Every word of what you say,

makes my insides tremble and shake with dismay.

My flesh is raw, like I’m skinned alive,

every gaze thrown wrongfully my way,

cuts my skin open like a razor blade.

everything moves me in ways you don’t know,

so in peace I heal and in silence I grow.

 

 

Empty carapace

An empty carapace.

A string of unsolved murders tied to the feet.

Wobble through the seasons with a hollow heart.

Chocking on the hatred and the rancor,

Blood on my hands as I watch it all fall apart.

I’ve joined hands with the dead and danced with the living,

and none of those saved me from the dark.

Kept on my knees to stand up tall again,

kept my ears open despite your vicious bark.

No one can possible envision the emptiness I hold within,

a black vortex of unhinged emotion,

rage that I hold in.

A barbarous silence fills the air,

but you can’t see me,

I’m not there.