Weakling

I am weak-willed. I am weak before temptations and I am weak before God. I say I am this one thing that I would love to be, this imaginary person that I have not yet become because of my weakness. I’m supposed to be this old soul that doesn’t do anything bad  but then I turn around and do all these bad things. I say: Oh, I don’t smoke or drink at all (that is ideally what I would love to achieve in this life) but then I go and smoke or have a drink and then I am ashamed of myself because I didn’t live up to what I said I was. Time and time again I try and teach myself all these things like patience and self-control, but the more I try the more I fail.

Countless books have been read on all types of philosophies and spiritual practices and it hasn’t helped me at all. I find myself failing at everything I try to do with myself, my spirit. I pick up meditation and try to incorporate some spiritual practices in my life and my emotional state gets worse, after I meditate I find myself being more irritated and snap more easily as opposed to when I do not meditate.

All these mandalas and mantras and meditations attract me so much, like a beautifully wrapped candy bar but then I realize that I’m just a mere human being with a lot of weaknesses and it is impossible for me to just be this perfect human being.

It is painfully hard when you live your life solely because of someone else, and do things because of someone else. I stopped smoking because I thought my parents would be proud of me, I bought expensive clothes because I wanted the approval of my brother, I put unrealistic standards on myself that I couldn’t keep up with.

Moral of the story is, if you are not doing something because of you and you do it for someone else, you are ultimately setting yourself up for failure. You have to have this strong will to do something for you and only you, not thinking about how it would impact others or what others would think.

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It’s time to stop

When you’re constantly being thrown in and out of depressive states with anxiety, you start to develop these really unhealthy habits.

You get so tired of trying things the healthy way, like not drinking coffee or smoking because it makes you more anxious, watching what you eat, etc. But when you realize that those tricks aren’t working, you start to become this, sort of, hedonistic creature. At least I do.

You’re so sick of the almost constant state of displeasure, that you start to begin to try and avoid it by any means possible. You kind of burst after trying all the time.

So a short while ago I got so tired of trying to quit smoking, quit coffee, eating less junk food, etc., I just said fuck it and started smoking like a chimney, drinking a bunch of coffee, eating bowls and bowls of pasta and junk and my mindset was and still is awful, it’s like, cut me some slack, will you? I’m struggling over here, let me do things that make me happy, even if it’s for a short while and even if they ruin my health. If you dare touch my coffee, food or cigarettes, that is where your life ends. 

Now I’m slowly watching the pounds creep back up on me because all I live off is pasta every day. Heaps of it. Because hell, I like it. Who cares, right?

I’m feeling my heart beating faster every day and my sleep getting progressively worse because of the coffee and cigarettes. But again, did I stop? No. Why? Because I simply started to cut me a bit too much slack.

And this type of mindset is not going to do anyone any good. Often times I’ll think, weeeeeell, I have this condition that is really uncomfortable, it brings me a lot of pain, so let me just make it a little bit easier for myself.

I won’t lie, going outside to have a cigarette brings me immense pleasure, so does drinking a nice, sweet cup of coffee and of course, the huge bowls of pasta and french fries make my problems go away for a bit.

But is it worth it? I think not, I think if you’re struggling the last thing you should do is let everything slide all the time and let yourself do whatever you want. In fact, you SHOULD be watching what you put into your body, you should be concerned about your health ten fold. Because your mind or your body is a lot more fragile than that of another person.

I know it is hard, we all want that relief, but it’s time…It’s time to stop!!! It’s time to stop self-loathing and making it worse for yourself.

I’ve tried to quit smoking about 15-20 times in my life, I failed, but I’ll be damned if I ever stop trying, I’ll die trying. Because in the end, it is that important.

Please take care of yourself.