I have become what I hate.
The monster gripping around my neck
and shoving me around.
I have become what had despised,
now I am the one,
pushing others to the ground.
Never thought and never knew,
this is what I would come to,
ashamed and guilty to the core.
Ashamed and guity every minute,
I never wanted to admit it,
I am what I had been afraid of.
In the gorge of joblessness,
not a penny to my name,
I’ve got a barrel full of anger,
and the whole world to blame.
I’ve got an evil brain,
but a heart bigger than your mansions,
I continue with nothing,
surviving with a passion.
Sitting here in tears while my mom is asleep in the other room. Just crying because I don’t know where to go from here anymore.
Seems like my life is on the rocks. I have no job and barely any money. I’m back to square one, looking for a low paying job with a bachelors degree. This is my life, it is nothing. I am nothing. I’m almost 25 and achieved absolutely fucking zero. All has almost fallen apart.
After all, I don’t think I’d wish this kind of life of mental torture on anyone I hate. A life that is complete zero. A waste. That is going nowhere.
All I feel is shame that I just couldn’t fulfill my dreams and achieve anything.
I hate how unfair everything is. Someone gets 5 million a month and someone like me is sitting on an old bench in some shithole without a penny and can’t get a job with higher education. How fair is the world?
Separated in pain,
What I would give,
to have that inordinate reality back,
a merry-go-round, an empty bottle,
and a movie clip that fades to black,
and a shadow casts its presence over me,
a shadow so sick,
waddling with a bottle of whiskey.
a fuzzy shape that’s misty.
Curdles us both and eats us up,
Sometimes you get so tense and emotionally unstable that familiar scenes start to look foreign. The people that once brought you joy now seem unbearable, you’re completely detached from them. It seems that you’re living in your own little miserable bubble and others live in a completely different world.
You’ve become a hermit. Even a trip to the store makes you want to punch every single oblivious shopper in there. Feels like 1000 needles are piercing your skin every second of the day.
You try and laugh and be normal, you take your medication, your vitamins, you make jokes but you know that inside you’re rotting away and one day you just snap and you can’t do it anymore. You scream, you cry and do dumb things like harm yourself. You’re empty but you feel everything.
It eats you on the inside. Nothing you do is ever enough to make you feel better.
I don’t quite understand why nothing is working. I try my best to regulate my mood and my well-being but it doesn’t quite seem to be doing the job.
I’m on four different medications. A mood stabilizer, antidepressant, sleep aid and antipsychotic.
A couple of weeks ago I took up meditation seriously and even started doing yoga in the morning. I started this new journey of self-reflection and discovery. I started spending tons of time in nature, in forests and by lakes in the sun. Thinking a lot about how I can become more calm and relaxed and just let things flow. Started reading a lot also.
I was feeling a lot better in general, more stable and relaxed, but there is this one thing… As soon as I start talking to anyone I get extremely angry, whenever I talk to someone or am at the grocery store I get very frustrated with everyone and am on the edge. On the other hand, when I’m alone, I’m completely Zen. This is ridiculous.
I’m trying to teach myself compassion towards other people, but I didn’t realize how hard it could be, being hurt so many times in so many ways and being distanced from people for so long, it is hard to feel for them when for so long all you felt was the opposite to compassion.
People like me usually laugh at things like meditation and yoga, but damn, it helps, even if a little, it does. Although, I’m still dealing with anger and trauma from time to time I’m more in tune with myself.
That is it from me.
While it’s quiet,
and spirits dance around me while I cry,
I hear so often in the night,
Death’s sweet, soothing lullaby.
It sings about the knot,
and the rope you use to tie it,
it sings about the freedom,
it knows that you are tired.
It sings about the buildings,
ones that stand up tall,
about the flight that comes with them,
about the moment when it ends it all.
I hear it’s silky undertone,
It’s begging me to try,
I’m in no two minds,
this was the last time I heard,
death’s sweet, soothing lullaby.
The devil is a lovely fellow,
He asked me for a dance,
I smiled and took his hand,
I knew this dance would be my last.
We danced our way through the old town,
through narrow streets and passersby,
through old building run down,
he spoke to me – his voice a silky lullaby.
He took me back to where we met,
He looked at me with glee,
He knew I felt no dread,
because he knew he’s taking me.
Summer was never this gloomy
Shadows follow me around,
I’m on the path to find peace,
But I’m pushed off of that ground.
I was supposed to drown in lavish nature,
In murky waters of lakes and ponds,
Bask in the yellow, all-seeing eye,
But instead, to my haven, I abscond.
Closer to my shrines of Buddha, Jesus, Shiva,
To my false sense of belonging,
Gods I’ve never believed in.
This summer and all summers before,
As well as all of mankind,
And this life that’s a chore,
I’m alive to the core,
But bloodless inside.
Is it bad if one wants a simple, quiet life with no expectations, free from desire?
In this day and age, I feel like we are constantly bombarded with images of quote-unquote success. We are being pushed to always pursue something, always strive to be someone so great, someone memorable. It seems like you should always be in some kind of motion to ‘pursue your dreams and aspirations’. I feel like that is cancerous. Why can’t we just be still?
And I don’t want people to confuse this with being lazy and not wanting anything, it’s more about just being content with what you already have and work your way through life being aware of what you are really capable of, being realistic and working with what you have and not overwhelm yourself with unrealistic expectations. In my opinion, I think it’s better to live a more simple and structured life with less stress than to rip your butt doing something that is not necessarily meant for you. What I mean by that, is taking things into consideration, like your health, both physical and mental, your abilities as such and work from there.
It took me a very long time to realize and become content with the fact that not everyone in this life is going be someone great, a president, a CEO or well-known artist. I certainly am not because of many reasons. Health reasons, personal reasons, the socio-economic situation and prospects in where I live, etc.
It’s not about complying and living a miserable life, no. It’s about just being happy with what you already have going for you and working your way through life to the best of your abilities.
I don’t find anything wrong with wanting less in life and not building ‘air castles’ and knowing deep down that it’s something that is outside your realm of possibility. But you can always try…
Try, if you really want to then try and achieve all those great things you want, but it’s also okay to be content with what you already have.