Milestone

Yesterday I really outdid myself. Yesterday was an important day. To others, it may seem funny. But yesterday I bought my first ever brand name winter coat. Three years ago I would never think I’d ever be able to afford things like this. But hey, I started out buying some hoodies, t-shirts, that was great…But an expensive winter coat? Nahh, never, but hey, it happened and it’s a milestone. I grew up thinking I’d never be able to own things like this.

All because I save my money and work hard for it. And the blessed feeling you get when you afford something you never thought you could. I didn’t ask anyone to buy it for me, I didn’t lend money for it, I didn’t request it as a gift, I just worked hard and I got it. Me. All by myself. Of course it’s also because I said no to myself a lot during the last month in terms of going out or buying things I don’t need, but here I am and I am proud of myself.

I know some people in my life right now look at me sideways because of what I wear, but hey, I worked hard for it and I can wear it proudly.

Cheers to saving money and having some!

 

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Letters to Veronica pt. 2

I have become enveloped in memories of you,

with all that was and never will be,

with all the pieces I have to put together,

and all the damage that I have to undo.

But I know, you have become so Lordly…

all you have left is pride in you,

and all I have is pain – weighty…

We are now miles and miles apart,

and only sometimes I see your face, blurry in my dreams,

time will heal all of my scars,

but losing someone you love…

is more painful than it seemed.

Letters to Veronica

One day you will forget that I exist.

You will forget my hair, my body, my lips…

How we touched fingertip to fingertip,

The smell of my perfume, the way we kissed…

How we held each other close in the dark,

How we walked carefully in parks.

The phone calls, the long talks…

One day you will forget that I exist,

I will be crossed off your lovers’ list,

You don’t visit me in dreams, I get the gist,

You’re gone forever, I won’t resist.

My name will become just a sound,

and once the memories will fade,

you’ll get used to me not being around,

and in your heart, destroy all that we have made.

 

 

Bullseye

One, two, three strikes – you’re out!

Lie, manipulate or deceive – get out.

I’m watching everyone, each and every one is at gunpoint,

I’m not tolerating anyone who wants to disappoint.

I’ve been there and done that,

been used and abused.

My kindness taken for granted and my love misused.

I’m watching you closely, don’t step out of line,

Don’t be foolish, don’t be asinine.

And if you take something,

be assured…

I’m taking back what’s mine.

 

 

 

Dreams

I’m very tired of waking up after a dream where I saw you. I tried talking to you but you were mean and condescending. Even though it was just a dream, it hurt my feelings. All that is left of you are dreams that make me sad. Dreams where you hate me.

At first I didn’t really feel anything, but now I am starting to remember the good things. I don’t know why. Makes me feel pain that I didn’t feel for a long time.

You probably hate me and have your own opinion about me, that’s fine. I just want to find closure, really accept that it’s over.

Something very beautiful and tragic happened at the same time. The attraction between us and then the tragedy of other things getting in the way. On the one hand, I feel disappointment towards you for lying and being deceitful, on the other hand, I still wish you only the best because there were times when you were good to me. You were my first love. It’s time to really say goodbye in my mind to you and move on. Hope you will be well and also remember something nice about me. Have an amazing life.

 

Don’t lead a healthy lifestyle

Every day I become more and more certain that society is messed up. At least where I live. The perception of what is good and what is bad is very skewed. In short:

Smoking = cool

Drinking = cool

Not smoking, partying or drinking and eating healthy = WTF? YOU’RE WEIRD!

We’ve literally gotten to a point in society where you get looked up and down and told you’re in some kind of religious sect when you just eat healthy food, are you serious? Eating healthy is considered weird…I can’t believe that. My colleague accused me of being in a sect because I had some vegan snacks at work and because I don’t smoke. Yeah, I’m weird for that, she literally looked at me like I was a piece of trash. I’m not exaggerating.

And today I had to listen to my colleague brag about how she got drunk last night and smoked weed and she got sooo high. She was literally bragging about it like she was proud that she’s a freaking drunkard that comes to work almost every single day smelling like alcohol. What an achievement, something to really be proud of, yeah. Disgusting if you ask me.

I live in a country where it’s weird to be healthy. It’s fine to smoke, drink alcohol all the time, party every single night. But if you don’t do that, woooow dude, you must be in some kind of sect, you’re fucking weird.

I don’t feel pressured to do what the others are doing. I know that what I’m doing is right and will benefit me, I’m going to continue to take good care of myself. And I encourage you to do the same. Don’t feel weird because you choose to be healthy, it’s them that don’t know what the hell they are doing.

Sorry for the rant, just got a bit angry about this whole thing.

Stay healthy.

 

Money

I was born broke and I’m going to die broke.

I’ve always had this strange relationship with money.  From an early age I remember my mother always being anxious about it, telling me that money doesn’t grow on trees and we should be very careful and economical with our money. She always wrote down everything she bought after she went shopping and all in all, money was this big scary thing.

There were really hard times in my life. I can remember my mother working these awful jobs and it hurt me so bad that she had to do those, but she did everything she could to provide for me and my brother. There was this one period in my life where I had to sleep on the floor on a mattress because there was three of us in one room. I had nowhere to sleep until my brother moved out of the apartment.

I eventually got my own bed and then my own room. But there was still this odd feeling I got when thinking about money. When I turned 18, I started being very anxious about it and started to collect all the money I could, because money was something to be saved and not spent. Until this day I can never allow myself to spend money, I always save it, or think about how if I don’t spend it this month, I’ll have more in the next one and THEN I can live, which is a never-ending cycle, really.  It really gets in the way of things and is very embarrassing when you’re just like, yeah, I can’t spend money because of some weird reason. Really, it’s fear and anxiety that something bad will happen and I won’t have the money to fix something or pay for something. Some people say I’m smart with my money but no, it’s actually just governed by fear.

To adjust to my anxiety about money I adopted a minimalist lifestyle where I only have what I need and buy something when I’ve either used something up or something has ripped or gone out of order. I also don’t smoke, believe it or not a healthy lifestyle will save you a lot of money. Trust me. I make sure I’m very careful with the things I already have, like my phone and laptop. I have very little clothes, but the clothes are good quality. So I had to work around my anxiety to be comfortable.

Really, just have to accept that money is something that comes and goes. I’ll never be rich but I can work with what I have, which is not a lot at all.

 

empty

With every day I’m becoming more and more disgusted with myself. In my ‘normal’ state it seems like I completely lack any kind of emotion. More and more I feel like an empty vessel with absolutely nothing inside. I don’t know if it’s trauma that made me like this, but it terrifies me to the core. I feel nothing. No pain, no anxiety, no happiness and no joy. I’m dull and empty. I lack any type of connection to the people around me, I do not care about them and just in general, I don’t care. I just simply do not care about you, you or you. I’m a robot that just does what it’s supposed to. I have no interests, no hobbies and no feelings.

I’m not happy about it, it scares me. Complete disregard towards myself and other people. Logically, I understand that this is bad, I understand that I am supposed to feel things, but I don’t. I’m supposed to feel sad for someone or worry about them or feel anything at all but I just don’t. I’m not bragging about how I’m so cool and I don’t feel anything, I’m genuinely scared and feel that something is very off about me.

For now, it is what it is.

Attēlu rezultāti vaicājumam “empty”