better than a soul orphaned

I can’t stand to be alone,

I need cackling in the other rooms.

Someone scurrying around for something,

to feel a whiff of someone’s perfume…

Familiar or unfamiliar soul, it doesn’t matter,

to be alone or not,

I choose the latter.

I can’t stand an empty home,

Big one or small,

I want to be in the midst of playful banter,

or hear the music of someone’s chatter…

Argue or not, it’s not that important,

an exhange of battling opinions is

better than a soul orhpaned.

When all of us gather in our tiny kitchen,

it is like all of us share the same religion,

put our differences aside, it is not that important,

being together is better than being a soul that is orphaned.

 

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I’m lonely…

And loneliness is when your blood is deficient in love,

trust, kindness, compassion and all of the good things above…

Spring crawls through the debris and it seems like there is a lot of things,

I can be lonely with.

Sing with the robins in disbelief that there is still winter seeping

through the skin,

It is not too long until there is grass beneath my feet,

the snow still glistens in the sun yet

I feel so incomplete…

All else awakens, yet I fell asleep.

And this is the season of happy faces – hollow hearts,

in anticipation of glee and sparks between them,

this is the season,

all the smiles, oh, how I would love to believe them.

Give me your pain like water to a stem,

it inspires me, only then shall I thrive…

I need pain,

only then…

I am alive.

 

Salty Libs

Can someone tell me what is up with these looney lefties in the U.S.?

I don’t even live there but I can taste the salt all the way over here. Get it together libs. Stop throwing your tempter tantrums.

I’m so tired of seeing all these nutty feminists protesting, what are you protesting? You already have all your rights and the patriarchy is not out to get you. We even had one of those nutty feminist marches over here in Latvia, I wanted to shoot myself in the foot.

I come from a fairly conservative country so all this gender-bending nonsense going on in Europe and everywhere else is just making me go nuts, people disregarding basic biology and saying there are 1999000 genders, no you nut, there’s only 2, get over it.

All this race stuff going on, all these protests, just seems like people have nothing better to do but just protest stuff that isn’t even relevant nowadays. Come on, stop it already.

Trump is not my president!!! Literally, because I don’t live in the U.S. But I sure wish he was my president, he doesn’t deserve half of the crap he recieves from the media, my guy is bringing jobs back and the economy is booming, boohoo, what a bad pres. Give me a break.

All of the people whining about inequality and sexism and all that other crap should come to Eastern Europe, seriously, I would love to see you throw a hissy fit over here.

I hate how liberals and the left despise Christianity and God, makes me sick to be honest. And I hate how being a conservative is looked down on, I would be a target in America. But, I’m gay and conservative, I wonder what would libs do in this case. Would I be called a xenophobic, homophobic, bigot, sexist, racist? We will never know.

Hope I didn’t TRIGGER any libs with this. 🙂

 

God

It seems to me that when you are at your lowest, it is when God decides to show himself to you. When you are clawing for just a tiny fraction of relief, God appears to you in all his glory. He reaches out to you and breathes life into you.

At my lowest points in life, in the bouts of crippling depression, it is then when I found God. It may sound like psychotic babble, but it is true when I say that when I think there is absolutely no way of getting better and the loneliness is just too much for me to bear, I start stumbling upon, for example, songs that talk about God and then I remember that he is there and I’m not as alone as I thought I was. It just shows that you don’t have to be always looking for him and waiting, he finds you first, he knows it when you need him.

Now, I’m very apprehensive about talking about God for a couple of reasons:

  1. I have a mental disorder and people can just assume I’m being rediculous or having an episode, after all there is such a thing as ‘religious psychosis’
  2. In this day and age it just seems like almost everyone has turned themselves away from God and don’t believe in such things, which is quite frankly, very sad, we live in an era of atheism and many condemn Christianity (especially leftists and liberals)

I don’t consider myself religious or a Christian even, because I haven’t really referred to the Bible many times, so I’m not very knowlegeable, but all I know is that I have faith and that faith is enough to keep me going.

I know that no matter what you feel and how you feel, he is always there for you with open arms to help you through all your challenges. The Lord shall set free you.

Psalm 34:18-19 - Bible Verse on Healing

 

Don’t wake me

Don’t wake me from my sleep…

I won’t see my screen light up or hear the beep,

I’m in too deep.

I put my cares aside and drift away,

I hug my pillow and take the leap.

Switch between dimensions,

nightmares and wishful dreams,

I have no worries…

Just for this moment,

I let my eyes close and pretend I don’t know you,

nothing around me counts,

just the street lights outside my window

covering the snow,

turning it into a photograph – sepia tone.

Sleep – like a tiny death envelopes my whole,

I am one in my bed but I’m not alone.

I don’t hear the phone, leave a message after the tone,

I’ll answer when I’m alive again,

In the morning to come…

 

salt and lime

Every word…

Every single syllable and action out of line,

burns my flesh to the bone.

The slightest friction in your tone,

like skin ripped off and sprinkled with salt and lime.

Every word of what you say,

makes my insides tremble and shake with dismay.

My flesh is raw, like I’m skinned alive,

every gaze thrown wrongfully my way,

cuts my skin open like a razor blade.

everything moves me in ways you don’t know,

so in peace I heal and in silence I grow.

 

 

Empty carapace

An empty carapace.

A string of unsolved murders tied to the feet.

Wobble through the seasons with a hollow heart.

Chocking on the hatred and the rancor,

Blood on my hands as I watch it all fall apart.

I’ve joined hands with the dead and danced with the living,

and none of those saved me from the dark.

Kept on my knees to stand up tall again,

kept my ears open despite your vicious bark.

No one can possible envision the emptiness I hold within,

a black vortex of unhinged emotion,

rage that I hold in.

A barbarous silence fills the air,

but you can’t see me,

I’m not there.

 

 

Gripped

If someone ever told me a couple of years ago that I’d be living like this, I would never believe them.

It feels like I’m in a state of depression that never ends. Every day is the same feelings of despair and hopelessness. I take my medicine every day but it just doesn’t do anything to ease the pain.

Even a couple of years ago, while I was studying and life didn’t hit me so hard yet, I wanted to do things, I was interested in so many things, I used to work out, look after myself, play the guitar, write poetry and much more. Now, I don’t do anything at all, even poetry, which was so easy for me doesn’t come so easy anymore. I’ve lost completely all interest in anything I used to do. I have no friends and just stay at home when I don’t have to go to work. I spend my days hating life and wishing to not be here anymore. I always thought I’d be someone but I work a low paying job even though I have a bachelors degree, barely have any money and no will to live.

I wish I had my life back, instead, it’s in the grips of depression and a miserable life.

I wish the new year would start without me in it…

 

One day at a time

Seems like I can’t do it no more,

death is the only thing on my mind

and I can’t seem to step down in life.

Hope the heavens take me,

hope the heavens bless me,

I’m sick of being so tired.

In and out of mental prisons,

cycles of abuse seemed never-ending,

a healthy dose of skepticism didn’t save me from pretending.

They were condescending,

The doom impending,

wasn’t worth the money I was spending.

No shoes, no clothes would put a cloth over my wounds,

aching.

Can I go?

Would you let me?

Another day would be too much, can God save me?

Or maybe I’ll just shut up like I always do,

Put the mask on and be the person who,

stood beside you like nothing was wrong,

the same person you devalue,

but oh well,

I guess it’s like this for now,

having nothing, staying at my parent’s house,

barely have a dime to my name,

but I have my soul and I have heart,

everybody but I to blame,

I have poems, I have art,

and no shame in my game.

 

 

 

 

 

One Pill

One pill, two pills, three pills, four,

This mask with the grin doesn’t work like before,

it has cracks and dents and it’s falling apart,

to fake that I’m happy was my most adamant art.

Without it, I’m a mere shell that can’t smile,

only grits its’ teeth and goes on for a while,

on autopilot heading for destruction,

causing fires, chaos, destruction.

One pill, two pills, three pills, four,

To keep up appearances – I swallow them whole,

Get up, show my teeth and put on a show,

Getting pulled back and dismantled – no more.