Alive

This room is my prison.

A dark cell governed by darkness I sit in.

This bed is my home,

and these walls – the only thing that listen,

how the sound changes from silence to shrieks in a second,

all the pain they’ve reckoned and all the punches they’ve taken.

They breathe in unison with my fears at night,

but they keep silent, all four polite.

Pillows – the tear catchers,

catch every drop from my eye,

These things are all I have – all that keeps me alive.

Never alone in this room that I own,

This place and these walls are all that I’ve known.

 

 

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The High Priest

For once,
let me be the beauty and not the beast,
not the under,
but the High Priest,
worthy of your attention at the very least.

For once,
let me hear gasps of amazement when I walk by,
let me be visible to the eye,
and not bantam like a fruit fly.
Let me be loud enough for you to hear my
war cry,
because I,
want to leave speck of a spark
before we all die.

I want to mean something,
I want to be more,
worth more than a penny and a louis d’or,
shining so bright,
no one can ignore.
I want you to see me,
and be shook to your core.

Dead autumn

I buried myself beneath the dead leaves of autumn,
Laid me to rest in the cold dirt,
I let myself die in pain,
Only to re-emerge unhurt.

A blank canvas once again,
With no past and no name.
A soaring ghost without a shred of content,
only agony and only with sadness to gain.

I buried my hope in the wet autumn ground,
My phone is off the hook,
I’m not coming around.
I am six feet under and nowhere to be found.

The Shift

I felt compelled to write about how I’m feeling today.

I’ve never felt like this in my life…

I have never felt such darkness that is not depression.

I can’t explain it… The atmosphere around me has never felt so heavy, has never felt so dark… It feels external if that makes any sense. Like it’s coming from the outside and not from me.

Like I’m being weighed down by something… It almost feels supernatural.

I’m picking up on this misery, sadness, and darkness wherever I go. I’m watching other people’s lives getting destroyed. All around me people are miserable, angry and sad.

The other day, I woke up and out of nowhere something as if grabbed me by my neck and told me to go to church. So I did. Me not being a religious person, these things don’t happen by accident.

I started blessing my home constantly, making things to keep me safe because it feels like all of us are under spiritual attack.

I’ve been getting these weird headaches and vomiting out of nowhere…

Something has shifted… I feel like the energy on this planet is not the same anymore, it’s darker, it’s heavier, it’s worse. Things are happening…and they are not good.

I feel very weird. I’m not depressed but I feel this fear, this hopelessness, and doom.

And it is not coming from me…

Something is changing, something is shifting on this Earth and I can feel it in the air.

Protect yourself.

Developing social phobia

I was always awkward. Awkward with people, anxious around them. But that was it.

Now it’s turning into something worse.

Gradually, over years I’ve started to drift away as far as possible from people and society in general. With every year I became more and more reclusive.

I have deleted all of my social media. I left almost no trace, it’s as if I don’t exist. All I have is my email and this blog.

I wanted nobody to know of my existence.

I cut off more and more people out of my life. I used to go out at least some times with people, now I am too afraid to leave the house.

I can’t go to crowded places anymore, I can’t go to the store, I can’t go out to eat. I just stay inside all the time when I am not working. Public transport gives me horrendous anxiety.

Going out to eat with my family always ends up with a fight because I’m anxious the place is extremely crowded.

Never thought it would become like this.

My circle of people I talk to is my mom, dad and my girlfriend. That’s it. The other acquaintances I have, I have to make up excuses all the time to not see them because I’m so scared of being awkward.

It just gets worse.

New Job and Stress

I am being put through tests right now in life.

Changes, both positive and negative.

I’m really shocked that almost every single person who holds a higher position at a work place or whatnot, is almost never a good person. They’re so condescending and so full of themselves because they achieved this higher position, so that gives them permission to treat others as someone less than they are.

This new work place is going to be a mess. My manager is my age and she is so, so full of herself, I’m not even lying. She acts like she’s 15, boasting all the time. Yeah, kudos to her for coming from nothing and being someone, but come on, get off your high horse.

Yes, I am slightly embarrassed about myself because I worked so hard to get a degree, working in an office a 9-5 (which was actually 9-6) job and then downgrading to giving out keys at a gym.

People who don’t know me may think of me as an underachiever when they don’t know my story and my struggles. I barely finished university because of my bipolar and couldn’t handle the office job, so I chose something easier for myself, something I could handle.

But nothing is perfect. I’ve spent years of avoiding and being scared to run into people from school or anyone else, I’ve deleted myself off social media entirely so no one could find me because I am terrified of people judging me and talking behind my back. Now, I find out that my manager knows almost all my classmates and her boyfriend was one of my bullies. How could this happen to me? I’m shocked, is this some kind of sick test for me?

Plus, all of my colleagues are women. The type of women that are vultures, just waiting to get their hands on some gossip about you and I know that I’m in deep shit since she knows all my classmates. I know people, people love to just talk crap behind your back.

Anyway, it’s interesting to see how things will pan out, whether I will completely lose hope in human kind or maybe regain it. Who knows.

Haunting past

I am 24 and my past still haunts me to this day.

I got a new job and what I found out got me into a complete mental breakdown.

I found out that my manager’s boyfriend is my most vicious bully. He bullied me in school relentlessly. The most disgusting thing is, he bullied me because of my disability and I think people who do that deserve capital punishment.

Because of him, I can’t stand the names of some animals, the sight of them even, they bring back flashbacks.

She kept showing me pictures of him and that was it…

I don’t know if I should work there because I am going to have to see him which I don’t know if I would be able to handle emotionally.

For these past two days all I am doing is crying because I am so terrified that I will be talked about, she will tell him about me, and he will tell her all about me, that scares me to death, being talked about and bullied once again.

People tell me to get over it. How? I have been traumatized and bullied into a psych ward. Because of those kids, I can never feel enough and to this day I feel ugly, unworthy and like a freak because I have a disability.

I have lost sleep and cannot sleep anymore because of the anxiety.

I see God in you

I see God in you,

I see Him in your eyes.

You’re a heavenly creature,

an angel in disguise.

I see God in you,

He put a piece of Him inside your heart,

He pulls you together when you fall apart.

I see God in you,

His beauty fiercely shining through,

Except Him into your arms,

and He will always be right next to you.

__________________________________________

Some days you just feel God’s prescence in your heart. 

 

 

Crosses

We are born,

we take on our path,

each and every one with a cross on their back.

Some heavier,

some easier to bear,

some wooden, some gold plated,

the latter being very rare.

We carry them to work, to home and back again,

while we laugh or cry,

it’s always there.

We go to sleep, lay it aside,

wake up again, wear it with pride.