Don’t wake me

Don’t wake me from my sleep…

I won’t see my screen light up or hear the beep,

I’m in too deep.

I put my cares aside and drift away,

I hug my pillow and take the leap.

Switch between dimensions,

nightmares and wishful dreams,

I have no worries…

Just for this moment,

I let my eyes close and pretend I don’t know you,

nothing around me counts,

just the street lights outside my window

covering the snow,

turning it into a photograph – sepia tone.

Sleep – like a tiny death envelopes my whole,

I am one in my bed but I’m not alone.

I don’t hear the phone, leave a message after the tone,

I’ll answer when I’m alive again,

In the morning to come…

 

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salt and lime

Every word…

Every single syllable and action out of line,

burns my flesh to the bone.

The slightest friction in your tone,

like skin ripped off and sprinkled with salt and lime.

Every word of what you say,

makes my insides tremble and shake with dismay.

My flesh is raw, like I’m skinned alive,

every gaze thrown wrongfully my way,

cuts my skin open like a razor blade.

everything moves me in ways you don’t know,

so in peace I heal and in silence I grow.

 

 

Empty carapace

An empty carapace.

A string of unsolved murders tied to the feet.

Wobble through the seasons with a hollow heart.

Chocking on the hatred and the rancor,

Blood on my hands as I watch it all fall apart.

I’ve joined hands with the dead and danced with the living,

and none of those saved me from the dark.

Kept on my knees to stand up tall again,

kept my ears open despite your vicious bark.

No one can possible envision the emptiness I hold within,

a black vortex of unhinged emotion,

rage that I hold in.

A barbarous silence fills the air,

but you can’t see me,

I’m not there.

 

 

Gripped

If someone ever told me a couple of years ago that I’d be living like this, I would never believe them.

It feels like I’m in a state of depression that never ends. Every day is the same feelings of despair and hopelessness. I take my medicine every day but it just doesn’t do anything to ease the pain.

Even a couple of years ago, while I was studying and life didn’t hit me so hard yet, I wanted to do things, I was interested in so many things, I used to work out, look after myself, play the guitar, write poetry and much more. Now, I don’t do anything at all, even poetry, which was so easy for me doesn’t come so easy anymore. I’ve lost completely all interest in anything I used to do. I have no friends and just stay at home when I don’t have to go to work. I spend my days hating life and wishing to not be here anymore. I always thought I’d be someone but I work a low paying job even though I have a bachelors degree, barely have any money and no will to live.

I wish I had my life back, instead, it’s in the grips of depression and a miserable life.

I wish the new year would start without me in it…

 

One day at a time

Seems like I can’t do it no more,

death is the only thing on my mind

and I can’t seem to step down in life.

Hope the heavens take me,

hope the heavens bless me,

I’m sick of being so tired.

In and out of mental prisons,

cycles of abuse seemed never-ending,

a healthy dose of skepticism didn’t save me from pretending.

They were condescending,

The doom impending,

wasn’t worth the money I was spending.

No shoes, no clothes would put a cloth over my wounds,

aching.

Can I go?

Would you let me?

Another day would be too much, can God save me?

Or maybe I’ll just shut up like I always do,

Put the mask on and be the person who,

stood beside you like nothing was wrong,

the same person you devalue,

but oh well,

I guess it’s like this for now,

having nothing, staying at my parent’s house,

barely have a dime to my name,

but I have my soul and I have heart,

everybody but I to blame,

I have poems, I have art,

and no shame in my game.

 

 

 

 

 

One Pill

One pill, two pills, three pills, four,

This mask with the grin doesn’t work like before,

it has cracks and dents and it’s falling apart,

to fake that I’m happy was my most adamant art.

Without it, I’m a mere shell that can’t smile,

only grits its’ teeth and goes on for a while,

on autopilot heading for destruction,

causing fires, chaos, destruction.

One pill, two pills, three pills, four,

To keep up appearances – I swallow them whole,

Get up, show my teeth and put on a show,

Getting pulled back and dismantled – no more.

 

 

 

Alive

This room is my prison.

A dark cell governed by darkness I sit in.

This bed is my home,

and these walls – the only thing that listen,

how the sound changes from silence to shrieks in a second,

all the pain they’ve reckoned and all the punches they’ve taken.

They breathe in unison with my fears at night,

but they keep silent, all four polite.

Pillows – the tear catchers,

catch every drop from my eye,

These things are all I have – all that keeps me alive.

Never alone in this room that I own,

This place and these walls are all that I’ve known.

 

 

The High Priest

For once,
let me be the beauty and not the beast,
not the under,
but the High Priest,
worthy of your attention at the very least.

For once,
let me hear gasps of amazement when I walk by,
let me be visible to the eye,
and not bantam like a fruit fly.
Let me be loud enough for you to hear my
war cry,
because I,
want to leave speck of a spark
before we all die.

I want to mean something,
I want to be more,
worth more than a penny and a louis d’or,
shining so bright,
no one can ignore.
I want you to see me,
and be shook to your core.

Dead autumn

I buried myself beneath the dead leaves of autumn,
Laid me to rest in the cold dirt,
I let myself die in pain,
Only to re-emerge unhurt.

A blank canvas once again,
With no past and no name.
A soaring ghost without a shred of content,
only agony and only with sadness to gain.

I buried my hope in the wet autumn ground,
My phone is off the hook,
I’m not coming around.
I am six feet under and nowhere to be found.

The Shift

I felt compelled to write about how I’m feeling today.

I’ve never felt like this in my life…

I have never felt such darkness that is not depression.

I can’t explain it… The atmosphere around me has never felt so heavy, has never felt so dark… It feels external if that makes any sense. Like it’s coming from the outside and not from me.

Like I’m being weighed down by something… It almost feels supernatural.

I’m picking up on this misery, sadness, and darkness wherever I go. I’m watching other people’s lives getting destroyed. All around me people are miserable, angry and sad.

The other day, I woke up and out of nowhere something as if grabbed me by my neck and told me to go to church. So I did. Me not being a religious person, these things don’t happen by accident.

I started blessing my home constantly, making things to keep me safe because it feels like all of us are under spiritual attack.

I’ve been getting these weird headaches and vomiting out of nowhere…

Something has shifted… I feel like the energy on this planet is not the same anymore, it’s darker, it’s heavier, it’s worse. Things are happening…and they are not good.

I feel very weird. I’m not depressed but I feel this fear, this hopelessness, and doom.

And it is not coming from me…

Something is changing, something is shifting on this Earth and I can feel it in the air.

Protect yourself.