I want to talk about something. A question that bothers me every single day. I want to shove all the disorders and depressions aside and just talk about it, what I really think about life.
Since an early age I am bothered with a question about why… Why exactly am I here if I do not want it? Why wasn’t I asked before coming here if I wanted this life or not? Nobody ever asks you this question. So to me, I feel like I was shoved onto this place and expected to enjoy the hell out of it and be grateful for every single little leaf on the trees. When in reality, ever since I was a kid, I never saw a reason for this. In fact, I feel very upset because it feels like I am forced to do this. Why should you play a game if you don’t like the rules and you don’t like the game?
This is such an unbelievably taboo topic to even open your mouth about. Everyone just expects you to be happy and grateful for life, no matter how you feel, you do not have the right to disagree with the idea of life itself. Otherwise, you are ungrateful, you are dispicable and how dare you? You have been given this amazing opportunity to just…well…exist. And if things are bad, look at Billy, he has it worse, that should make you feel better.
I never really talk about this because if you tell this to an average Joe, he will be properly shocked. Because apparently, life is so beautiful and so precious, how dare you say something like this and maybe, they will even bring God into the equation. So better to keep it shut.
So I keep it shut and just try and trick myself into enjoying things every single day, every single day is a lie and I damn sure know it.
Imagine what a horrible way of life it is. I don’t have any goals, any aspirations, I never had them, I always just existed so everyone else can just shut the fuck up.
I went through hell and back and still stuck around because I’m unfortunately human enough to think about others, because I owe them. Yeah, that’s right, nobody asked you to be here, yet you owe everyone everything, you owe your parents, you owe them just because they made you.
Enough for now, just wanted to put this out into the universe.