Contempt

With each and every year I become more and more reclusive.

My dissatisfaction with people and the outside world grows stronger.

I always hated people, since an early age I’ve always had this contempt towards humans, something in me always protested against them. With time, as I came across multiple negative experiences with people in friendships and relationships, I realized even more that I was right, humans are just not right for me.

All my life I felt disconnected from people, I felt like I was a different breed. My interests, my views and everything else made me out of place with the others. Misunderstood constantly, looked down on, etc.

Over years I grew more and more disappointed with my fellow humans. So called friends stole from me, made fun of me behind my back, used me and all of that was just when I was a kid. Then school came around where I was constantly mocked, etc.

Later I was betrayed as a grown up, cheated on, used, abused. And now, I am this. I recluse. I trust absolutely no one. I cut my circle of the people I talk to to 2-3 people. And even with those, I communicate very rarely.

After everything, I can honestly say that I have absolutely no empathy towards people, I dislike them and want nothing to do with them and I’m quite comfortable with that.

Yes, I know there are good people out there, but only select few. To me, the majority of people are bad, selfish, greedy, liars, etc. I learned that the hard way.

I know human nature, and human nature is inherently evil.

If it was up to me, I would ditch everything and go live at a cottage house in the middle of nowhere, grow my own food and all that good stuff. Buuut, since my life is what it is, all of my jobs that I had and the one I am starting now requires communicating with people. But since this job will be mostly just giving out keys to people who go to the gym and swiping their cards, I think I’ll manage to keep the communication as minimal as possible.

Yes, yes, there is enough evil in the world and enough bad people, we need more empathy and kindness, well, you’re not getting it from me.

Satan’s Cellar Dweller

Every day scrambling for something good in me,

But there’s evil in every cell,

It gets the best of me.

And every night I go to sleep,

I pray to Jesus on the crucifix,

Fall asleep with good intentions,

wake up as the best friend of Lucifer.

Dwelling in my cellar,

angels try to break through,

I know evil is the strongest force,

but maybe there’s something good, too.

Here he is, the fallen angel, knocking at my door again,

I try to fight but once more I let him win.

It’s ten minutes to three, I’m sharpening my knives,

Homicidal ideation, I might be taking lives tonight.

I walk these empty streets alone,

Looking for an easy prey,

Someone is about meet their death…

on Lord’s day.

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Boiling Blood Rant

There’s one thing that pisses me off and makes my blood boil the most…

People, that were given a healthy body, a strong body, not giving a single fuck about it.

Healthy people shoving cigarettes in their mouth and eating garbage all the time.

People don’t appreciate nothing until it gets taking away from them. Disrespecting their bodies and health, taking it for granted, disgusts me really.

I have a friend, by nature very healthy, very strong nerves. But she’s paper thin, blue bags under her eyes, always tired because all she does is smoke, drink coffee and eat garbage and fast food. Every time I try to give advice and help because I’m worried flies into one ear and right out the other.

I wasn’t born healthy, the opposite, but I go out of my damn way to try and at least look after my health, eat healthy so I can at least have a decent level of life and have energy to deal with stress and other issues. I would give anything to be as healthy as her or the average person, some people are not blessed with good health, and those who are disrespect that.

She’s 24 and her teeth are already falling out. What will you do when you’re 40?

Why are people so careless? Wake up, other people would kill to be like you.

If you’re one of those careless people, please stop. Stop it, think about yourself and others around you, how your lifestyle is affecting you and everyone around.

Look at yourself, appreciate what you were given and start treating your body with respect!!!

 

Bored

So bored and out of it,
Staring at the stale, dry cracks in the wall,
A cockroach leans in for a kiss with the dirty dish.
It’s been a while…
Look at the nightfall,
I’ve been waiting to put this cigarette to my lips,
Inhale…
Make a wish.
Smoke caressing the lungs like a gun gently brushing against the temple,
It smells like death, if the smokes are going to kill me, let them.
It’s been too long,
Already twenty-five out of seventy,
and the thought of leaving this hell seems heavenly.
I have nothing to offer,
just my worn out shell.
Like a bride rejected and left at the altar.
If I go unnoticed, I won’t have to tell.
But for now, let the bones decay,
I’ll be here in the clouds of smoke,
Waiting so patiently,
when twenty-five becomes seventy,
and my life is erased from the first, to the last day.

Dear Beloved…

Disclaimer: This poem contains violent language. I wrote this and dedicated to the person that abused me once in my lifetime for a long time. I watched a lot of battle rap and got very inspired and decided to put out my rawest emotions out and channel my anger. After all, the person brought into my life the most pain and if I can’t take them out physically, I’ll do it with words.

I swear,

I swear to Jesus or whatever God there is,

I’ll put your through so much agony,

You’ll slash your wrists.

I’ll go ape shit, give you a concussion,

You’ll be seizing out, looking possessed

and I’ll be your EXORCIST!

I swear if I see you,

I’ll put you in a wheelchair like your disabled brother,

Turn your brain into banana powder,

Rip out your insides then walk out like your father!

I’m a warmonger, you can trust me on that,

I’ll lay you out on the pavement, roll you over with a tank,

and crush your back.

No,

I’m not cutting you some slack,

Just because you’re a maniac, narcissist,

I’M NOT TAKING MY WORDS BACK!

They say violence is bad,

Violence is not the answer,

Then I’ll make you go through a thousand x-rays

and watch you brittle away with cancer.

I swear if I smell a trace of your putrid scent,

It’s going to be a war zone and I’m a master of war,

Rip your spine out and enjoy the gore.

Hope you remember, karma is a bad bitch,

so I don’t have to do none of that,

she’ll take care of the business and make you run around like a lab rat.

Hope this poem finds you well, with your shell of a heart,

Hope your lights are still cut off,

so you continue to live in the dark.

 

 

It’s time to stop

When you’re constantly being thrown in and out of depressive states with anxiety, you start to develop these really unhealthy habits.

You get so tired of trying things the healthy way, like not drinking coffee or smoking because it makes you more anxious, watching what you eat, etc. But when you realize that those tricks aren’t working, you start to become this, sort of, hedonistic creature. At least I do.

You’re so sick of the almost constant state of displeasure, that you start to begin to try and avoid it by any means possible. You kind of burst after trying all the time.

So a short while ago I got so tired of trying to quit smoking, quit coffee, eating less junk food, etc., I just said fuck it and started smoking like a chimney, drinking a bunch of coffee, eating bowls and bowls of pasta and junk and my mindset was and still is awful, it’s like, cut me some slack, will you? I’m struggling over here, let me do things that make me happy, even if it’s for a short while and even if they ruin my health. If you dare touch my coffee, food or cigarettes, that is where your life ends. 

Now I’m slowly watching the pounds creep back up on me because all I live off is pasta every day. Heaps of it. Because hell, I like it. Who cares, right?

I’m feeling my heart beating faster every day and my sleep getting progressively worse because of the coffee and cigarettes. But again, did I stop? No. Why? Because I simply started to cut me a bit too much slack.

And this type of mindset is not going to do anyone any good. Often times I’ll think, weeeeeell, I have this condition that is really uncomfortable, it brings me a lot of pain, so let me just make it a little bit easier for myself.

I won’t lie, going outside to have a cigarette brings me immense pleasure, so does drinking a nice, sweet cup of coffee and of course, the huge bowls of pasta and french fries make my problems go away for a bit.

But is it worth it? I think not, I think if you’re struggling the last thing you should do is let everything slide all the time and let yourself do whatever you want. In fact, you SHOULD be watching what you put into your body, you should be concerned about your health ten fold. Because your mind or your body is a lot more fragile than that of another person.

I know it is hard, we all want that relief, but it’s time…It’s time to stop!!! It’s time to stop self-loathing and making it worse for yourself.

I’ve tried to quit smoking about 15-20 times in my life, I failed, but I’ll be damned if I ever stop trying, I’ll die trying. Because in the end, it is that important.

Please take care of yourself.

 

Camatose

Yet again,
these pits of hell,
grip me tightly ’round my neck,
it’s a love song, it’s a spell,
feel this pain spread in my chest.
I slip into my comatose,
heavy, medicated sleep,
a thousand needles, head to toe,
as the night grows dark and deep.
There’s no escape and no salvation
from this illness I possess,
It’s a cage and I’m a beast,
held in captive and possessed.

Strawberry Mark

My scars light up on fire,

every time I reminiscence,

of the abyss, I was held captive in.

the mirrors are my liars,

they told me I would never come to win.

The walls are my only,

the listeners in the dark,

of my sighs and my prayers – holy,

as I begin to remember your strawberry marks.

I’m a prisoner of my universe,

of this glass wall, I have made,

of my soul that is wounded,

of my body – decayed.

Bipolar ad Spiritual practices

I was pondering on one thing today.

Is it possible for a person to indulge in spiritual practices with severe mental disorders?

Is it possible to rewire a damaged, anxious and depressed brain that didn’t know any better for 25 years? I just wonder…Can you make your life a bit more bearable other than taking copious amounts of medication?

I’m very into Buddhism and try to practice it to the best of my abilities, but I recently heard news about a Buddhist (Michael Stone) committing suicide.

Really goes to show you how powerful the disease really is. It has no mercy, it doesn’t care if you’re Christian, Hindu or Buddhist, it gets a hold of you anyway. So I wonder, can you tackle this disease at all?

Is it a waste of time or should you keep going? Can you teach yourself to be compassionate again? Can you return to the state when you were as a little child and conjure up the compassionate and loving self? Can you teach yourself to let go easily? What does it take and how long?

I know how easy it is to obsess over things, it’s very common for people with mental illness to be very religious. I have a friend who has schizophrenia and she is very religious and believes in Jesus with all her heart, prays relentlessly, it’s very common for people with schizophrenia to do so, she even believes meditating to be evil. So again I wonder, where is the line of practicing things in a healthy way rather than obsessing over religion and spirituality when you have a mental health problem?

Although I think spiritual practices are not the ultimate cure, it’s definetly a great way to manage your disease, but only when it’s not overdone, if it is it can be damaging.

I think taking bits and pieces of spiritual practices can be very beneficial when it is done adequately.

Eventhough I am not a fan of riligions such as Christinanity but I still believe that praying is a good thing, it promotes stillness and being still is what we all need.

‘To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.’