|An Introduction|

Three deleted wordpress blogs later, I emerge once again from a long period of silence. Still broken, but brand new.

I offer you a glimpse into my everyday life through poetry.

Enjoy.

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And she’s the only one who gets me,

she’s the only one who always will,

even after every up and down,

she will always love me…still…

 

the prism of loneliness

I remember I hated being alone so much. It was scary, it was tragic and unimaginable. But I have grown to love it. Now, being alone doesn’t scare me, it makes me happy. If nobody else wants you, want yourself. Be self-reliant, self-sufficient and self-caring. Realize, that you don’t really need anyone to make sure that you are happy and fulfilled. You should be your own rock and your own support. It is solely your duty to be responsible for yourself and your actions. Be mindful. If you have a lot of free time – fill it up with meaningful things. Since being practically left alone to my own devices, I have resorted to behaviors that ensure mental stability and make it easier for me to deal with being alone. Earlier in my life I was an avid reader, I have picked up reading once again and haven’t looked back since. I fill up my time with books or actions that ensure self-caring behavior. It is crucial, because loneliness may both be damaging and beneficial to oneself. It can drive you insane or make you look at things in a completely different manner, you see things differently through the prism of loneliness.

Being left alone makes me more sane. I don’t depend on anyone for support. I keep things to myself more but I am able to process all that I feel and think rationally. I am calmer, knowing that I am not a burden to anyone, nor is anyone a burden to me. It is what it is, some people function better when they are alone. If you are one of those people, you know what I’m talking about.

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Abyss

I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.

That’s what I tell myself until it becomes truth.

Until I become hollow and I don’t exist,

I’m unholy and I am not there.

I don’t care anymore, don’t blame me,

I don’t care about you, him, her or authority…

Everything is nothing and nothing is everything,

and I will not flinch if I hurt your last feeling.

My phone is on silent, I sleep through the days,

for hours and hours, go through days in a haze.

I’m sorry, I just really don’t care,

All I know is that I win in this psychological warfare.

 

The abuser falls asleep

The abuser fell asleep,

knowing well – he’s in too deep.

All his victims slipped away,

He is alone, now he has lost his way.

He scrambles for emotions,

he really tries to care,

but when you look at him you see,

there is nothing behind the glassy stare.

All he is is empty and deformed,

and all he fears is being left alone.

He pulls you close then shatters you,

and there is nothing you can do.

When the abuser falls asleep,

he knows well – he’s in too deep.

 

Poeple/Mental illness/Money

I envy people who have a mental illness and have a person by their side that understands them. Understands, that people like us need more care and more attention. Most people just call it being selfish. It’s very rare to find someone who would actually try to understand how my mind works and why I do certain things. I have yet to find such a person, I just end up being called selfish. At first people always say that it doesn’t bother them that I have bipolar disorder or that I have a mental illness in general, but then when I have my downfalls, then they act surprised and run, even though I warned those people multiple times. As soon as my mental illness shows itself even a little bit, the whole attitude towards me changes and shifts and I’m seen as this needy demon.

People never know what the hell they are signing up for until it’s too late, then they leave or do something and leave the already mentally ill person even MORE mentally ill and unstable. It’s dangerous, don’t f*cking do that.

I get it, and I’m always too naive to think that someone would actually be there for me and accept me with all my faults. Never works like that. People want perfect. Or at least, people want normal. I can’t give anyone neither of those things.

After losing almost every single person dear to me in this life, I am accepting the fact that I will most likely end up completely alone and the loneliness will drive me completely insane and I’ll be even worse. Or I’ll be fine. Who knows. I look up to my brother who is 32 and lives alone and is happy alone and doesn’t need anyone. I strive to be like him. And even if other people don’t want to deal with me, I know I have my mom.

When you’re left alone, it’s important to shift your focus onto something else. I’m focused on making as much money as possible, reach my goal and move on to a better job.

I’m obsessed with money. Because money gives me everything no person can give me. A sense of stability, security and pure happiness and joy. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my savings grow, nothing. Who needs anyone when you have racks. As long as I have my money, I’ll be okay.

Alone

Loneliness is unspeakable tragedy,

something that terrifies me to the core,

I don’t want it, but it’s always there with me,

and solitude is something I’ve grown to adore.

Being alone is a skill to be learned,

if there’s nobody but you,

there is nobody to die for.

All you have is yourself,

you become your parent, your lover, your friend,

because you’re alone when you’re born,

and alone when it’s the end.

Voices

All I have is these vicious voices in my head,

telling me I’m worthless and that I should be dead.

That I’ve done too much damage to stay alive,

that I should prepare a noose and prepare to die.

They always scream at me at night, robbing me of sleep,

Sometimes they make me cry, because the things they say,

they cut too deep.

They’re overpowering and loud, they think they know you best,

they laugh at you and make you feel possessed.

They feed off my pain and make me weak,

they tell me that my future’s very bleak.

I am an open wound,

I will take ages to heal,

and a lifetime to know that the voices aren’t real.

Self-care

Sometimes I wake up so grateful. For the smallest things…I am forever grateful, no matter how down I feel, I can always find things that make me happy. I have grown to be grateful for what I have.

Last night I cried myself to sleep but woke up to a better day. The view outside my window makes me happy, coffee makes me happy. The fact that my family cares about me so much and takes care of me makes me happy. Just lighting up a candle and being able to relax makes me happy. Sometimes it feels like there is no point in anything, but it’s crucial to find what makes your day better.

Don’t forget about yourself, check in with yourself and make sure you meet your needs at least to some level. If you’re tired – rest, look after yourself. I know it’s not easy, but it’s something we have to teach ourselves to do. Don’t waste your time on people who don’t care about you or don’t need you. People forget that they absolutely need to check in with themselves first, ask yourself how you are feeling, what you can do to improve if you’re feeling down or if you feel something is wrong. You first. Then you can think about everything else.

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The monster

I never really believed in seasonal depression, I was very skeptical of people who claimed they suffered from it. Because my depression lasts all year. It’s always there no matter the season. It’s always buzzing in the back of my brain, torturing me and nagging at me.

In autumn, I feel like the word depression gets thrown around a lot. The weather makes people sad. But are you really depressed? Do you know what it actually feels like? Or are you just a bit down because it’s rainy?

As autumn is flourishing, I feel the monster creeping back into my skull. It’s crushing it. I can’t sleep because of all the nagging it does. I feel like sometimes depression actually has a voice and it speaks to you. Sometimes it says things like: ‘Hey, you know that everyone you know is going to die. One day, you won’t have anyone to come home to. You’re going to end up completely alone.’ And it just gets to you. It’s dark. Then after a while you start believing everything it says and you become more and more depressed, the thoughts weigh on you, they’re heavy and grueling. Then life becomes unbearable, you can’t even convince yourself to get up and start the day, even simply taking a shower becomes unachievable. You start hating yourself because the voices convinced you you’re worthless.

It’s a never ending cycle, it gets better and then it gets worse.